Anyone who's spent even a week on the Internet knows that it's littered with unsolicited commercial emails. The Chairman gets ten or twelve a day. Most of them are dead boring, assuring him that he's won something of very little value, and all he has to do to get it is hand over all his personal information. However, some are brazen scams, and those are actually fun to read. Here, the Chairman presents a selection of some of the finest spams he's received, complete with the bitter and spiteful commentary you've come to expect from the Chairman.

Plain Brown Wrapper

From: "allison7606"

FREE TRIAL OFFER!! The safe all natural alternative to Viagra,

Alas, the life of a Chairman is a lonely one, and the Chairman has no use for the real thing, let alone a placebo version. So they've lost me already.

YOURS FREE! You have been invited to participate in a 30 day free trial. Let me be very direct: There are times that you either NEED more desire or just WANT an improvement.

That's not very direct.

You can achieve your sexual goals with PROCURA, the formula that allows you to control the effect and does not require a prescription.

How, pray tell, would one "control the effect"?

What do you have to loose??? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!!!

Hmmm... apart from having something go wrong with areas of my body that I don't want anything to go wrong with, or the time I have to spend throwing your mail out of my inbox, I guess I do have nothing to "loose".

We're so confident you'll be amazed with what PROCURA does for your sexlife we're going to give you your first bottle absolutely FREE! CLICK HERE for your FREE Supply!

Does one bottle really constitute a "supply"?

Click here for removal from future mailings

<snicker>

Torture Yourself & Lose Weight In The Process

From: "monpost5"

Are you tired of feeling over weight and sluggish? Shave off 8-10 INCHES OF UGLY FAT IN ONE HOUR *Guaranteed*!!!

Ouch! Shaving off fat? Would that be with an electric shaver? Or maybe a straight razor?

Breakthrough technology helps you **Lose INCHES NOW**, Tightens Skin, Cleanses and Detoxifies your System.

Oh, so now I have "toxins" in my system. Perhaps I'd believe them if the toxins had names.

The heavier you are, the more you will lose. If you are 20 pounds or more overweight, you should EXPECT to lose 8 or more inches of Fat!!!

You know, much of the human brain is composed of fatty tissue. I certainly wouldn't want to lose eight inches of that.

Women lose inches from their arms and thighs Men lose inches in their belly area!!!

But if you're a woman with a fat belly, I guess you're out of luck.

CLICK HERE to melt away inches NOW!

First they shave, then they melt!

Please click here to be excluded from further communication

<snicker>

But Think Of Poor Mrs. Himmler

From: "martins jide"

From MARTINS JIDE JIDE NOMINEES Plot 33 Nicholas Crescent, V/I. Lagos-Nigeria. Sir, The purpose of this proposal is not bring any embarrassment to you as we have never met, but to seek your utmost understanding and assistance in the issue I am about to explain to you in this mail.

So... ummm... is this about naming?

As you can see above, my name is Martins Jide, and I am the principal of the above named law firm here in Lagos Nigeria.

In this message so far, I have seen no "above named law firm", unless it happens to be "Jide Nominees", which is a stupid name for a firm.

You see!

Yes!

, I have an issue of a very sensitive circumstance which I wish to confide to you.

This is very sensitive information, yet you blab it to randomly selected email addresses. Not gonna keep it secret that way, guys!

One of my clients, and ofcourse, my major client who happens to be the chief security officer {CSO} to the late military dictator of the nation {Gen. Sani Abacha} who died on july 1998 on active service as the then head of state, his name Hamza Al-Mustapha called to confide an issue to me.

Wait, is he still Abacha's chief security officer after Abacha's death? Maybe he's like the bodyguard at the Lenin Mausoleum.

Al-Mustapha is presently detained for charges of acute human right violations,

Which are much worse than the chronic kind.

and embezzlement of publc fund leveled against him and the son of the late General {His Master}.

<as Torgo> tHe mAsTER WiLL emBEZzlE yOUr FuNDs nOw

An inner house information has revealed that the duo are likely to face life imprisonment for the charges against them which they are likely to be convicted for. My client Al-Mustapha got this information some how

Perhaps he got it through the "inner house information" you just mentioned.

and called to brief me of a security trunk which he deposited with a trust company here in Nigeria before his demise. According to him, the trunk contains the cash sum of US$35,000,000 which the trust company does not know about yet, as it was declared as family's jewelries and personal documents.

Let me get this straight. When Nigerian dictators get overthrown, the new government lets the dictator's family keep his stuff?

Also according to him, security measures were taken to disguise the content of the trunk so that no one knows exactly what is inside. He said he stocked the bills in disguise for negative papers which he said are for some security photographs taken at the presidential villa.

Security photographs taken at the presidential villa. Right. That's something that the family would definitely want to keep and would not make anyone suspicious at all.

Now that his chances of being set free from the allegations against him are rare, he called me to assist him in securing the the fund, which ofcourse is the only hope of the family {His two wives, and nine children}.

That sound you're hearing is the world's tiniest violin, playing a sad, sad song for the family of the human rights abuser.

After much deliberation however, I managed to convince him to endorse a change of beneficiary for the deposited trunk, this will enable the new beneficiary put an application for withdrawal of the trunk. In the light of this, I decided to contact you to assist us in this transaction.

Because I am a well-known international businessman and sending this money to me would not make anyone suspicious at all.

The plan is to changr the beneficiary of the consignment into your name, forward you with all the necessary documents to this effect and have you contact the trust company for withdrawal of the trunk as the new/legal beneficiary. You will request that the consignment be deliverred to you at your nominated destination.

I nominate FCC Headquarters.

After proper identification and verification as the new legal beneficiary, the company will release the consignment to you. The company may also take care of handling of the consignment until it is deliverred at your domain

My domain? Are they addressing webmasters or royalty?

or any of your nominated destination, as you may advise. My client lost almost a hundred million US dollars, frozen in swiss banks and in different personal accounts on the instruction of the present deomacratic government of the fedral republic of Nigeria.

Sheesh! What good is democracy if they don't let you keep the money you swindled?

The plan to move this fund out of the country was informed by a joint decission by the family of my client to invest this money abroad, probably into commercial real estate, at least to shelter their money.

His two wives and nine children were, of course, well educated in financial matters.

Having gone through this explanation, and considering the fate of this family he is about to leave behind, I ask a simple question: Should my client suffer for offences allegedly committed by him master?

Oh, come on, don't give me that pouty-face.

, should even his family be left, abandoned and even refused to be heard, by a government which is prosecuting their sole bread winner for human right violations?

How dare they put a criminal in jail!

To freeze an account of a fulltime house wife who never knew anything in the government, yet denied the basic requirements of life is a crime to humanity, and human rights violation at its peak.

That's right, poverty is a human rights violation. You heard it here first, folks.

Yet my client's family is presently denied of telephone access etc, hence dening them the freedom of communication and association.

Oh no, they're living without a phone. From what I understand, lots of people in Nigeria go without phone service. (And the Nigerian phone company isn't exactly a "service".)

It is for this reason that I sincerely solicit your utmost assitance to move this fund into your care abroad, on behalf of the family for safe keeping, subject to when they are ready to manage the fund.

And all I have to do is send you a $5,000,000 deposit, right?

It is also expected that you will represent this family in brokering the purchase of valuable/profitable proprties in your country or the neighbouring, so they can always fall back to these properties when the heat on the family reduces.

Oh, good, they can escape to manage real estate in the Yukon.

My client has also resolved to reward hansomely reward you with 5% of the total amount on the sucessful conclussion of each transaction.

Whoopee. Five percent. I know a brutal dictator's thug from Benin who'll give me 15%. You want to match it?

I shall also be 100% available to provide you with the necessary assistance and guidelines you may require on the course of this transaction.I have just entrusted the details of this fund and the fatte of this helpless family into your conscience for safe keeping.

Or I could give twenty bucks to the Salvation Army and keep my hands clean of the blood of Nigeria.

I also hope to have offerred you a great opportunity to make yourself some good money, I believe I have. Should the above transaction appeal to you therefore, I hereby urge you to mail me your response immediately for further details on immediate commencement of this transaction.

Yes, commencement! We'll wear cap and gown and walk across the stage, non-existant Nigerian money in hand.

You will also be doing us a lot of good to guide this information with immense confidentiality, even if this transaction does not appeal to you. Please send copy of your reply to (martinsjide@jycos.com)

Not Lycos, mind you, "jycos".

Hoping to hear from you soon. Kind regards, Jide.

It's Not Gambling, It's Investing In The Local Economy

From:"jake"

"A WISE MAN INVESTIGATES WHAT A FOOL PASSES BY"

Sorry, that's not the password. Try again.

**KEN CAMMISA TAKES GREAT PRIDE IN HAVING ESTABLISHED THE FINEST VERIFIABLE WINNING TRACK RECORD OF ANY NATIONALLY ADVERTISED SPORTS SERVICE ON THE PLANET....

As the perspective quickly shifts from national to global.

**RANKED #1 SPORTS SERVICE IN THE WORLD A RECORD BREAKING 11 TIMES IN 12 YEARS!

Yeah, well, um, my sports service has been ranked number 1 fifteen straight years! (By my brother's rating service, that is.)

BASED ON NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED, LAS VEGAS COMPETITIONS SPECIFICALLY DESIGNED TO FIND THE BEST SPORTS SERVICE IN THE WORLD.

My uncle from Detroit and I went down to Vegas for a weekend and tested my picks against the picks of some out-of-work exotic dancer we found in the street. I was ranked number one!

FOR OVER A DECADE KEN LITERALLY CRUSHED

When they say "literally", you're not supposed to take that literally.

A FIELD OF OVER 130 OF THIS NATIONS TOP RATED NATIONALLY ADVERTISED SPORTS SERVICES AND KEEP IN MIND THAT THESE ASTOUNDING RESULTS ARE A MATTER OF PUBLIC RECORD AND AVAILABLE UPON REQUEST.

Sure, I can get these results under the Freedom of Information act, right?

**THESE ARE ALSO THE SAME POWERFUL BLOWOUT SELECTIONS THAT PRODUCED THE 3 LONGEST WINNING STREAKS

Note how he doesn't include his losing streaks.

IN THE RECORDED HISTORY OF NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED COMPETITIONS WHICH INCLUDE A DOCUMENTED (16-0) , (17-0) AND AN INCREDIBLE (33 OUT OF 34 WINNING SPORTSPICKS.)

Is 33 out of 34 really a streak?

KEEP IN MIND, THESE ARE THE SAME EXACT BLOWOUT SELECTIONS

Wait, wait, wait, he's offering me the same picks he's used before?

THAT TURNED A $10,000 BANKROLL INTO A RECORD-BREAKING $80,000, FOR AN 800% RETURN ON INVESTMENT

"Investment" used to be such a fine, noble word. Pity to see it living on the wrong side of the tracks like this.

IN A FEW SHORT MONTHS...WITH THE WHOLE WORLD WATCHING!

People in New Guinea waited breathlessly for his selection on the Bears-Lions game!

WE KNOW THAT SEEING IS BELIEVING THAT IS WHY WE WANT TO E- MAIL YOU THESE SAME RECORD-BREAKING BLOWOUT PLAYS FOR FREE , SO THAT WE CAN PROVIDE YOU UNDENIABLE PROOF BEYOND A SHADOW OF A DOUBT

And I will certainly believe that he actually made all these selections before the games took place, because no one could be so dishonest as to pretend to have predicted something that just happened.

THAT WE ARE THE ONLY SPORTS SERVICE IN THE WORLD THAT CAN AND WILL DELIVER YOU CONSISTENTLY POWERFUL WINNING INFORMATION MONTH AFTER MONTH, YEAR AFTER YEAR! WE APPROACH SPORTS WAGERING AS AN INVESTMENT NOT A GAMBLE.

Maybe that's why you have to use spam to find customers.

FIND OUT FOR FREE WHAT OUR COMPETITION NEVER WANTS YOU TO REALIZE...THAT NOBODY HAS DONE IT BETTER...NOBODY WILL TREAT YOU FAIRER...

When I think of fairness, the first words that come to my mind are "sports betting".

NOBODY HAS MORE EXPERIENCE...NOBODY WILL PROVE IT TO YOU FREE OF CHARGE SO YOU CAN MAKE AN INFORMED DECISION BASED ON FACTS YOU WITNESSED WITH YOUR VERY OWN EYES.

Wait, I witnessed it? Funny, I don't remember being there when he made those picks.

WE HAVE OPERATED FOR 28 YEARS ON THE SIMPLE PHILOSOPHY THAT YOU SHOULD ONLY PAY FOR WINNING INFORMATION. THIS IS WHY OUR CLIENTS LOOK FORWARD TO PAYING US EVERY WEEK.

Nothing like paying bills to put me in a good mood.

BECAUSE THEY ONLY PAY US WITH MONEY THAT COMES DIRECTLY FROM THEIR BOOKMAKERS POCKET. "WE GET PAID ONLY WHEN YOU GET PAID"

And with all the money they've made from sports betting, they've commissioned a highly unique and special tagline.

100% RISK-FREE OFFER

risk (v). To put up as a stake in a game or speculation. -Syn. go, set, lay, bet, gamble, venture, stake, wager.

-NO MONEY DOWN NO CREDIT CARD REQUIRED DON'T GET LEFT ON THE SIDELINES AND MISS OUT ON THIS FINAL OPPORTUNITY FOR 2001 TO WITNESS AND DISCOVER THE TRUTH FOR YOURSELF, WHY WE HAVE BEEN

Leaving the caps lock down for this whole stinking letter?

THE BEST KEPT SECRET IN THIS INDUSTRY FOR 28 CONSECUTIVE WINNING YEARS.

Oh.

YOU OWE IT TO YOURSELF TO SEE THE UNDENIABLE TRUTH BEFORE YOUR VERY OWN EYES SO THAT YOU CAN MAKE AN INFORMED DECISION BASED ON FACT NOT FICTION.

Taken by itself, the previous sentence sounds like it comes from a cult recruitment program.

SEIZE THE DAY.

That sentement was hackneyed back when they made "Dead Poets Society".

MEMBERSHIPS ARE STILL AVAILABLE TO JOIN OUR COMMUNITY OF WINNERS. FOR MORE INFORMATION ON OUR TWO GREAT RISK FREE OFFERS:

They could have looked up the definition for themselves, but no...

CLICK HERE OR CALL 1-866-742-7421 TOLL FREE ANYTIME! BUILDING A COMMUNITY OF WINNERS SINCE 1973

Wow, 1973! What an old and impressive business!

Quit Bogarting Those Free Herbs

From: "hortmail2615"

ALL NATURAL HERBAL FORMULA 30 DAY FREE TRIAL!

Sentences are better when you use verbs.

Increased Sexual Drive!

*But when I kissed the cop down on 34th and Vine, he broke my little bottle of... Love Potion #9!*

Increase Stamina!

Stamina? What am I, a boxer?

Increased Blood Flow!

I can do that by standing on my head. Wait, he didn't mean increased blood flow there, did he?

Increased Desire!

For anti-spamming legislation!

Increase Sensation!

Perhaps there is, somewhere in this world, a couple who sit up late at night talking about relative increases and decreases in sensation. I'm glad I don't know them.

CLICK HERE TO RECEIVE YOUR 30 DAY TRIAL

Buzzword Business 101

From: "nobody"

"Never trust a man who calls himself 'Nobody'." This and other lessons in life brought to you by The Odyssey.

Greetings, By way of introduction, my name is Michael Williams, Director of Business Development at Goflip.com.

Then why did you just tell me your name was "Nobody"?

We have just launched our affiliate marketing network and are currently adding advertisers to our E-commerce categories. I just visited your site

Or, rather, your 'bot visited my site just long enough to harvest my email address.

and feel that you would be a great fit for our network.

Despite the fact that my site neither buys nor sells anything. Now that's business acumen!

Goflip.com can manage your affiliate initiative, create an affiliate program for you, or simply attract new content partner sites

Wow, I don't know if I'm ready for that kind of commitment.

to help sell your products and services. We offer Pay for Sale, Pay for Lead,

Oh, good, I have a big pile of lead just sitting around here.

or Pay per Click programs. We handle all of the tracking, affiliate support, and affiliate payment. In short, you decide what you want to pay for customer acquisition and we do the rest.

I've reached my decision. I don't want to pay anything. Now you hold up your end of the deal.

You can visit our site at: http://www.goflip.com

If it's still there when you see this page, check back every couple of weeks until they announce their closing.

Please contact me so we can discuss adding you to our affiliate network. Best Regards, Michael Williams Goflip LLC Director of Business Development 941-225-0845 bizdev@goflip.com

One Night In Bangkok Makes The Chairman Crumble

From: Bank_of_Thailand@hotmail.com

So the Bank of Thailand uses a hotmail address. Very convincing.

Dear,inapickle

Which describes your state after you fall for this scam.

, This email confirms that you may have received a $16,000.00 Commission Payment for September 2001

Confirms that I may have? That's the weakest confirmation I've ever seen.

TRANSACTION INFORMATION: Amount: $16,000.00 Item/Product Name: Number of login 200/day X 30 days = 6000 Item/Product

<tap tap tap> Math is OK so far.

Number: Minutes average by user 20 minutes Total: 6000 surfers X 20 minutes = 12 000 minutes

No, that's 120,000.

Amount per minutes up to $0.50

So, using your numbers, that's $6,000, or using the correct numbers, it's $60,000. Where did this $16,000 come from?

THIS IS A KIND OF EMAIL YOU SHOULD RECEIVED AFTER FEW MONTHS Could be nice, don't you think ?

So could a private island, healthy chocolate sundaes, and marriage to Allyson Hannigan.

**************************************************** Hello! I want you to be the first to take advantage of a brand new opportunity service that blows away the competition.

Is this my opportunity to become an e-hitman?

Now you can get monthly "tens of $1000's" by offering what people WANT!

Register ownaprivateislandeathealthychocolatesundaesandmarryAllysonHannigan.com today!

Why don't you become a SEX Site Webmaster?

Dignity?

<<<<<<<< For a Limited Time >>>>>>>> Get a 'XXX' Adult web site from us and we'll make sure you make money.

Enter the exciting world of prefab porn!

You don't pay for your site until YOU earn over $10,000 a month from it. If you don't we'll give it to you for FREE. All our sites are fully featured and contain the best legal content available.

"Dear Trial Lawyers Monthly, I never thought it would happen to me, but..."

And what about making those "tens of $1000's" without selling, experience, administration, stock, investment or having to answer the phone EVER again.

Why, they're giving away free money! Why would anyone say no?

No one else have seen offers this kind for long time.

Because they all deleted this email without looking at it.

Why waste your time and money elsewhere? Please check out this great new opportunity.

"Opportunity". That's another word that used to be so nice, so respectable, but had a midlife crisis and is now living the life of an outlaw.

You'll be glad you did! ///// After November First ! It may be too late! HURRY UP!!! \\\\\

Quick! Fill out that form! You've only seconds to spare! Hustle! Hustle! Hustle!

For full details e-mail me: click on the link below: your email browser

This from the folks who say they can provide fully featured web sites.

will open and all you need to do is to be sure that info_for_x6

Oh, dear Lord, not another digital camera.

is on SUBJECT line, and click on your send button. (Due the overwhelming demand

Or due to the overwhelming stress placed on email servers everywhere by our junk mail,

It may take up to 48 hours to receive the information.) To be >>>>>>>> REMOVED <<<<<<<< from our mailing list please click on the link below : your email browser will open and all you need to do is to be sure than Remove is on SUBJECT line, and click on your send button.

<snicker>

All the best to you! Paula

Paula, does your mother know where you work?

Crazy Bill's Used Credit Barn

From: "Bill"

You Have Been Pre-Approved!*

I get enough of these in my regular mail. I don't reply to them, either.

Receive a $5000 Gold Card, Guaranteed! This is no Mistake as you have been selected for this Offer.

Selected through the highly rigorous process of buying a list of email addresses and selecting every address on the list.

Regardless of your previous credit history, you are pre-approved to receive a 0% interest $5000 Line of Credit!

If you're not charging interest, then how do you make money? Do you demand a pound of flesh instead, or perhaps my firstborn son? (Actually, they just give suckers 0% for a few months, then crank up the rate as high as usury laws will allow.)

============================================ TO ACTIVATE YOUR GOLD CARD CLICK HERE NOW! CLICK HERE Get your $5000 Gold Credit Card and for a Limited Time Upon Activation...

Looks like the limited time has expired.

======================================= *You must be 18 yrs. old, a U.S. citizen or permanent resident of the U.S. (excluding Wisconsin)

Wisconsonians are just too smart for them.

, with and active checking account and a monthly household income of $800 or more. TO ACTIVATE YOUR GOLD CARD CLICK HERE NOW! CLICK HERE ============================================ This message is intended for individuals who are interested in our offer.

So why didn't they buy a list of people with brain damage, or delusional thinking?

If this message has reached you in error, we apologize for the inconvenience. Please CLICK HERE and TYPE YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS IN THE SUBJECT HEADER.

CAPITAL LETTERS WARRANT ACTION.

CLICK HERE That will assure your requested email address is properly removed from our lists through our automated processes. Thank You!

<snicker>

You, Too, Can Make A Modest Income

From: "alan09510"

We have the solutions to your home business challenges! The catalog industry is EXPLODING!

Duck, and cover!

We have a turn-key system for cashing in on this hot industry. * NO RETAILING * NO INVENTORY * NO DELIVERY * NO COLLECTIONS * NO RISK WHAT SO EVER * HUGE REORDER RATE RESIDUALS

Yes, that's right. No buying, no selling, no delivering, no collections. In other words, they say they can pay you for doing nothing. Wait, I've got it! They're advertising for gym teachers!

We have helped people like you make over $2,000 - 3,000 + in their first month...

That's only $36,000 a year. You could do that in many a non-hot industry.

even $10,000+ in 90 days!

And that's $40,000 a year. Again, nothing to sneeze at, but not exactly yacht money.

For more information, visit: http://www.e-homebiznet.com/

Now down. Registered to Betty Richardsen of 12 Venetian Way, Naples, FL 34114.

p.s. Ask about our FREE CAR and REVENUE SHARING PROGRAMS!

Even scams have adopted revenue sharing, so why can't Bud Selig?

You were sent this message because your address is in our subscriber database. If you wish to be removed, please click here and we will remove you from our subscriber list.

<snicker>

Join Us, And We Can Rule The Galaxy Together As Spammer And Son

From: "peacenet"

Create Your Own Opt-In E-mail List Don't Buy List! CREATE YOUR OWN!

All right, let's start. a@hotmail.com, b@hotmail.com, c@hotmail.com...

Advertising your company, products or services on the Internet is a must.

Then my local grocery store, video store, men's apparel store, and gas station must all be on the brink of bankruptcy. Funny, they seem to be doing fine.

Using Bulk E- mail is an option you may have used or considered.

If you're a total jerk.

This sort of advertising has been proven to be very effective in soliciting numerous products and or services for individuals, large and small companies.

They're effective in soliciting, but they're not so effective in generating buys.

The question is, is it safe, ethical, moral and accepted? Unfortunately, there are many that would reply to this question with NO.

Why is that unfortunate? Even safe, ethical, moral, and accepted spam would still be spam.

Through careful e-marketing

Military intelligence. Jumbo shrimp. Utah Jazz.

we can help your company generate an on-going compiling Opt-In new customer list complete with: (E-mail Address, Phone Number and Name). These generated e-mail addresses with personal contact information will be from potential clients interested specifically in your product, business or service.

Of course they'll be specifically interested in my product, business, or service. Does anyone believe that I am specifically interested in any of the products advertised to me via spam?

Your company will have all the benefits of bulk e-mailing without the problems of anti-bulk e-mail activity. Ask about our 10 -15% discounts in price or our 10 -15% increases in your mail.

Of course, the extra 10%-15% mail will all be from them, sending you this same spam over and over.

Your choice. For first time clients only. We will create an Opt-In e-mail list for your company based on the products and services you provide. It will be your personal company list. (You Own It!)

It'll still be unethical, but at least you'll own it!

Don't settle for used HIGHLY over priced so-called opt-in list that have been sold over and over again. Create your own! One e-mail campaign sent by our company could generate from 500 to 500,000+ Brand New Opt-In E-mail Addresses.

Maybe one or two people will actually buy your product.

These addresses can be used by your company to follow up with by sending all your specials, updates or monthly newsletters too. (Ask about our follow up services).

Because customers like you more when you send them things they don't want.

Your personalized list will be related directly to your business, products or services. All you have to do is watch your list grow everyday, week and even months after we deliver one Opt-In campaign for your company.

You won't have any more customers, but boy, will you have a list!

We can set you up with a daily, weekly or monthly mailings. The residual effect is perpetual.

People will be disgusted by your spam the first time they see it, and retain this hatred and bitterness towards your company in their hearts until the end of time.

Contact Us For More Information By Clicking Here When your e-mail program opens please include your name, phone number, site address and the best time to reach you. We will contact you at your convenience.

And if that fails, they'll flood your inbox again until you take notice.

Our initial lists that we use to generate your opt-in list can be customized according to demographic categories. We will consult with you about your product and harvest addresses from where your potential customers congregate.

They mingle among them, pretending to be their friends, then - Bam! - they sell their addresses to spammers!

With us, you can choose your target audience from a strategic prospective. We also have the unique capability to target age groups, income ranges and homeowners in any city, state, geographical region, or country.

You may notice that they can't target gender. Maybe that's why I keep getting spams about breast enlargement.

We will then generate a personalized Opt-In list of e-mail addresses, names and phone numbers of authentic potential customers that are specifically interested in your product or service.

If you think they will check to see if the email addresses are authentic, raise your hand.

We will give your company a user name and password for an account to view your Opt- In generation as it takes place. As always, we will over send your order by 15%, to ensure a guaranteed 100% delivery rate.

Of course, those extra fifteen percent are interested in your product as well. Sure they are.

Our lists are verified weekly to eliminate non-deliverables and abandoned e-mail addresses. As we stated, we guarantee 100% deliverability. Ask about our 10 -15% discounts in price or our 10 -15% increases in your mail.

Aaah! It's starting over!

Your choice. For first time clients only. PRICE LIST Messages Delivered General Internet Campaigns 2 Target E-Mail Campaigns + 10%Off 4 Target E-Mail Campaigns + 15%Off 500,000 e-mails $ 799 $1,199 $1,599 1 Million e-mails $1,499 $2,249 $2,999 3 Million e-mails $2,499 $3,749 $4,999 5 Million e-mails $3,799 $5,699 $7,599 10 Million e-mails $7,999 $12,999 $15,999 20 Million e-mails $12,999 $16,999 $19,999

But what if you can't find twenty million people who are interested in my product? Certainly you wouldn't pad the list with other names you found on other lists, would you?

Opt-In Generation Campaigns With More Than Four Targets

If you have fewer than four targets, I imagine you could do it yourself. "Let's send it to that guy, that guy, this guy, and that one over there."

Will Be Priced Upon Request. Existing Category Or Criteria Targeted List Are Also Priced Upon Request If you are ready to create a promising advertising future and destiny

Correct me if I'm wrong, but "destiny" sort of implies something that can't be created or changed.

for your company in the world of Opt-In e-mail, work with us, a firm that has years of experience! Contact Us For More Information By Clicking Here When your e-mail program opens please include your name, phone number, site address and the best time to reach you.

And throw in your credit card number, just for the heck of it!

We will contact you at your convenience. ************************************************************************ ******* Other e-mail messages may be stopped by clicking here: REMOVE ME. Simply click send when your e-mail program opens.

<snicker>

Do Not Reply to this message, Your e-mail address will not be deleted if you do. This message was sent by a Independent Advertising Company.

Would be nice if you told me which one so I know who I would be losing money to if I fell for this scam.

||ADV|| Under Bill s1618 TITLE III passed by the 105th US Congress this letter cannot be considered spam as long as the sender includes contact information and a method of removal.

Bill s1618 was never signed into law. Score one for the good guys.

************************************************************************ ******* UNITED WE STAND We at Independent E-Marketing send our condolences and prayers to everyone affected by the tragic events of September 11th.

I'm sure your prayers carry a lot of weight with the Lord.

Please click HERE to make your secure donation to the American Red Cross.

Where Have You Gone, Ma Bell?

"spokesman"

$39.95 per month ONE FEE, ONCE A MONTH NO MORE OUTRAGEOUS PHONE BILLS It's your Money

Not if I pay it to you. Then it's your money.

You Choose! Residential and Business Flat Rate Long Distance - ONE MONTHLY FEE starting at $39.95

If it starts at $39.95, it's not a flat rate, is it?

If would like more information, please fill out the following form and a representative will tell you all about it. No hassles.

Too late.

No hard sell tactics.

Too late.

Just the facts! Name: Phone Number: Email Address: Best Time to Contact:

Need I say "never"?

You will save hundreds or even thousands of dollars each year! Home and small business plans are here! Have a company with a large phone bill?

No, the radio stations and newspapers generally call me.

If the answer is yes, we ask Why?

Here's one possible reason: They make lots of phone calls.

If you would like to be removed from our list, please send an email to rpflatratelongdistnow@excite.com.

<snicker>

How To Hot-Rod Your Cellular Phone

From: "green"

you can BOOST your reception on any phone, pager, or two way radio for only $14.95!!!!!

Scientists estimate that at current rates of usage, the Earth's supply of naturally occuring exclamation points will be depleted by 2015. Please do your part and conserve.

PLUS you get a FREE Radiation Sheild! !!!

Quick, Bucky, fetch me my Radation Shield and my Atomic Laser! The Martians are closing on my position!

FREE SHIPPING!!! Works on any cell phone, pager, or two way radio!

But you just said it would work on any phone... you didn't specify cellular.

Boost your digital or analog cellular, PCS, or cordless phone signal as well as your pager or two way radio signal for better reception in large buildings, tunnels, elevators,

air vents, underground bunkers, volcano laboratories, prison cells in Dr. Morbius' secret lair...

and many other places where the signal may get weak causing static, missed calls, dropped calls, etc.

But it does not guard against people hissing into the phone and pretending the signal is breaking up in order to get you to shut up and go away.

This incredible internal antenna booster works on any Nokia, Motorola, Ericsson, Audiovox, Samsung, LGIC, Nextel, Sprint, Neopoint, Hyundai, or any other brand digital or analog cellphone or PCS wireless phone

Then why name drop?

(As per the manufacturer of this Internal Antenna Booster). Please note that it will not provide signal where there is none. It can only show improvement where there is already a weak signal.

So in other words, it can only show "improvement", which can't actually be measured in any way at all. This is what we like to call a "placebo".

On cellphones, it fits between the body of the cell phone and the cell phone battery. On pagers and 2 way radio's, simply stick it on a flat surface of the body of the product.

Use tape, glue, rubber cement, staples, chewing gum, whatever.

It is very easy to install! Installation instructions are included with purchase.

Although you've just given them away for free.

Availability: Usually ships the next business day. Internal Antenna Amplifier: Boost your digital or analog cellular, PCS, or cordless phone signal as well as your pager or 2 way radio signal for better reception in medical buildings,

Oh, now it's for doctors. Maybe it's just me, but I would think that somewhere in a doctor's studies, there is a course on how to identify frauds.

tunnels, elevators, and many other places where the signal may get weak. On cellphones, it fits between body of the cell phone and the battery BUY YOURS NOW!

What if I don't?

Unsubscribe Information This email was sent to the owner of the following Account/Username: maxuser

Perhaps you've noticed, but my username is not "maxuser". It's INCH_Chairman.

To unsubscribe from future mailings of this type, visit This Page

<snicker>

The Men In Trench Coats And Dark Sunglasses? They're Interns

From: "catkit"

Exclusively for Women

But just in case, they've sent it to all the men, too.

"Interested in contributing to women's research???

You can help woman researchers discover a cure for split ends!

Research Study for Prevention of Osteoporosis Past exclusion of women from clinical trials has limited knowledge of how diseases and conditions, and their treatment, affect women differently from men.

If medicine totally oppresses women, why do they live longer?

By volunteering for medical research, women contribute to researchers' efforts to expand their knowledge of how best to treat and prevent disease. If you are interested in contributing to women's research you may want to participate in a research study exclusively for women.

You could volunteer for an ordinary study, which would provide benefits for everybody, but boys are icky and you certainly don't want to help them.

This study will determine the effects of a medication approved for lowering cholesterol in the prevention of bone density loss.

Sounds to me like they're grasping at straws.

Approximately 28 million Americans suffer from osteoporosis, the majority of whom are women.

As male sufferers of osteoporosis sit quietly in the corner and suffer.

10 million individuals have a low bone mass, placing them at risk for this disorder. ARE YOU AT RISK?

Of course not, all the previous spams have informed me that everything is risk-free.

Risk Factors for Osteoporosis include: *Having a family history of osteoporosis *Having a small, thin build

Women admitting to being thin? Impossible.

*Being a postmenopausal woman *Being physically inactive *Smoking cigarettes *Having a diet that is low in calcium

They're looking for Aunt Patty and Aunt Selma.

Qualified participants will receive study medication, calcium supplements with Vitamin D, health assessments, including a physical examination, and a bone density screening. CLICK HERE FOR MORE INFO

To be fair, this might actually be a legitimate program, but this really calls attention to the cloud of disrepute that your product or service comes under when you use spam.

************************************************************************ * Under Bill s.1618 TITLE III passed by the 105th US Congress

But not ratified into law, and therefore irrelevant.

this letter cannot be considered Spam as long as the sender includes contact information and a method of removal. To be DELETED from our mailing CLICK HERE.

<snicker>

If you have any questions or comments, this message was sent by: An Independent Advertising Agency: Click Here To Contact Them Or Ask Questions

And even if Title III of S.1618 went into law, I hardly believe that this would count as contact information, as they have not even told me who they are.

Conjure Money Out Of Thin Air With This Nonspecific Program

From: "John"

YOUR FREE MEMBERSHIP!!

Just what I need, the opportunity to become a "valued member" of yet another company out to take my money.

Plus get a Free Cell Phone and Free Computer Software To Help YOU Make MORE Money !!

The free cell phone is no big deal - I can get as many free cell phones as I want, provided I sign a contract obligating me to pay some soon-to-be-bankrupt company fifty bucks a month all so I can have the novelty of calling my friends from my car.

CHECK IT OUT! http://www.e-webhostcentral.com/bizopp

Now down. Registered to Tom Voo, of 800 5th Ave., Seattle, WA 98104. After this sentence came nine pages of blank space, which I deleted.

The Fastest Way To Earn $2000+ EVERY Month Online !!!

Yippee, $24,000 a year. That'll definitely pay for a new Lexus.

Looking for a secure and legitimate online home business? One that WILL bring steady, dependable monthly checks EVERY month and in the shortest amount of time ??

I'm also looking for a way to get a date with Geri Halliwell and build a fusion reactor out of pop cans.

We can share with you a way to earn $1000's per month on the Internet and receive GUARANTEED monthly checks that will continue to grow.

Until you finally get giant, three-foot-long checks like they give away on the PGA Tour.

No Hype Here !

Ignore the fact that you're hyping the proposition that you use no hype.

- We Can PROVE It !! Free To Join - Means Instant Growth ! Can YOU give away FREE memberships? Most Certainly !!

This sounds like a Multi-Level Marketing scam, in which the only way to make money is to recruit more employees.

All day long in fact, AND earn an explosive income in doing so !

Warning: Keep income away from old newspapers and oily rags.

No pre-launch here! Four year old company with proven system - that works !!

Four years old! Truly a pillar of the business community.

Making money on the Internet has never been EASIER ! Join Free and get your own free web site where you can watch your downline grow before your eyes !!

"Downline". That's the giveaway. This is definitely a Multi-Level Marketing scheme.

Check it daily then you decide !! See why thousands of people from all over the world are joining - FREE !

I think it's because thousands of people from all over the world are either naive or just plain dumb.

Lock in Your Position Today and we'll also give you promotional software that will increase traffic to ANY web site !!

I (Britney Spears) already (Britney Spears) know (Britney Spears) how (Britney Spears) to (Britney Spears) increase (Britney Spears) web (Britney Spears) traffic (Britney Spears).

See for Yourself ! Grab your ID Here ! DON"T MISS OUT !!

Write me again from your private island.

http://www.e-webhostcentral.com/bizopp --------------------------------------------------------- This is a one time mailing and you will not be contacted again and though it is not necessary to request removal, you may do so by sending an email to:

Address deleted, as sending mail there would only cause one to get more spam.

We're All Targets

From: "topquality_lists1"

Are you looking for email address lists? We create your lists fresh as per your order and your targeted market.

Oh, good, they're fresh. I hate it when lists start to "turn".

If you are looking for addresses per your geographic location we create those for you as well.

These guys really like the word "per".

We have been in this business for the past 5 years and we have the knowledge and software to create right on targeted email address lists for you.

Five years. What veterans of net commerce.

Targeted Email address lists can be of any topic that you would like. We do not give you someone else's list, even if your criteria matches theirs.

Nope, they just add one or two new names and call it an entirely new list.

Some examples of lists that you can order: doctors, lawyers, investors, people that bid and sell at online auctions, writers, accountants, teachers, students, wholesalers, golfers, mortgage brokers, sports related, human resourses, bird watchers, clubs, etc.

Remind me to never do any of these things.

Your list could be anything that you would like it to be and our lists are GUARANTEED to be only of your targeted market.

So what happens if they aren't? I don't see the words "money back" around here anywhere.

If you need help with the mailing of the lists, please inquire with us about that service also. Need optin addresses? We have around 100,000 optin golfers and around 100,000 investors/day traders.

Some of whom have not seen their Internet investments go to pot and started their cars running in a locked garage.

If you are readt to be able to contact your targeted market on the internet, then you owe it to your business to contact us today.

Nothing will help your business more than calling up people who anonymously solicit your services.

If you call and get our voice mail, please leave a message, we return all phone calls promptly in the order that they were received. Thank you for your time.

I bet their voice mail says the exact same thing.

This is a one time mailing to you and you will not hear from us again unless you contact us. If you are looking for leads, mortgage, insurance or debt, we gather those fresh daily.

The probably gather lots of debt.

Please inquire about that service. Our phone number is 212-656-1080

Or, rather, their answering service is in this prestigious Manhattan area code. The actual business is more likely in Ogalalla.

We look forward to hearing from you. ************************************************************************ ************** 13700

Fifteen Men On A Dead Man's Cruise

"jill"

"LEARN TO SAIL WHILE ON VACATION CRUISING IN THE TROPICS ABOARD A PRIVATE SAILING YACHT."

Personally, I'd like to learn how to sail before going out to sea.

This is a rather unique opportunity for you to take a winter vacation on a private yacht in the Caribbean

This is starting to sound like some rich weirdo's attempt to pick up chicks.

where you will visit tropical islands while learning to sail on one of our first class luxury cruising yachts with all the amenities.

Of course, if you don't pay attention to your lessons, you won't be visiting any tropical islands, Sparky.

Leisure sailing-learning on a large cruising yacht... enjoy sunny days, starry nights, quiet anchorages,

Anchorage?!? That must be a heck of a trip.

swimming, snorkeling, sandy beaches, tropical fish, Caribbean music

When you get home, you'll never want to see or hear another percussion instrument again.

and more. Pure tropical enjoyment aboard a luxurious cruising yacht skippered by a professional Captain with USCG

University of South Carolina at Greenville?

License and ASA Instructor Certification.

Oh, good, he's certified by the American Stevedore's Association.

CLICK HERE TO OPT-IN FOR MORE INFO AND DEPARTURE DATES ************************************************************************ * Under Bill s.1618 TITLE III passed by the 105th US Congress

Which, in case you weren't listening, did not become law.

this letter cannot be considered spam as long as the sender includes contact information and a method of removal. To be DELETED from our mailing CLICK HERE. If you have any questions or comments, this message was sent by: An Independent Advertising Agency

This company sure has guts. Look at how they're exposing themselves to criticism here.

: Click Here To Contact Them Or Ask Questions ************************************************************************ *

Prices So Low, We Must Be Crazy! No, Really, We're Crazy

"Major Exposure"

You can't fool me. You're just a second lieutenant.

Are you looking to bring your company to the next level?

Yes, because Level 1-2 has the warp zone to World 4.

Or are you a new company working with a tight advertising budget? Or are you looking to test a new business idea, a new product or a new service to see if it's viable without any risk?

You take a risk every time you wake up in the morning, or cross the street, or stick your face in a fan.

Then you need big impact advertising without the cost. That's exactly what our mass marketing program does.

How do we do it? We interrupt broadcast TV with our pirate signals!

You'll get expensive advertising at such ridiculously inexpensive prices, it enables you to advertise virtually anything for a profit

But the target audience for this ad is looking to sell virtually anything for a profit.

and it enables you to advertise with virtually no risk. But more importantly, it will make an immediate and noticeable impact because we've eliminated 99% of the costs for you! There is no other marketing program in existence that comes close to reaching so many people for so little cost. Just $99

Okay, if eliminating 99% leaves me with $99, that means the normal cost for advertising is $9,900. Is that in Liberian dollars?

will get you a GUARANTEED 37,500 visitors to your site

Practically anyone can get 37,500 hits if your site is listed or a search engine. Of course, it'll take a couple years, but they don't give you a time frame.

plus it will get you a minimum of 75,000 banner ads

Where, pray tell, do I find the web browser that won't choke when it comes upon a page with 75,000 banner ads on it?

on the same sites that charge over $3000 for 75,000 banner ads. Spots in this program are limited,

To the number of naive or brain-damaged capitalists on the Internet.

so hurry on over: Click Here ______________________________________________ Subscribe to our Biz. Op. E-Zine

The Wall Street Journal. The Economist. And now, Our Biz. Op. E-Zine.

and learn How To Make Money on the Internet, send a blank email to: subscribe@massexposure4u.com To be Removed, send a blank email to: remove@massexposure4u.com

My whois result:

Registrant:
Hitsgalore
000 Street
Anytown, NY 01503
US

Looks legit to me.

Get Enough Hits, And Maybe One Of Them Will Buy Something

"O2JU1QWMg"

Gauranteed Top 10 Search Engine Placement

I'm (Britney Spears) telling (Britney Spears), I (Britney Spears) don't (Britney Spears) need (Britney Spears) your (Britney Spears) help (Britney Spears)!

-- No Front End Development Fees!!

Speaking of Britney Spears...

Attention Site Administrators: Search engine optimization is the number one strategy for generating qualified traffic to your site.

Oh, I hate it when I get unqualified traffic.

85% of all traffic is generated via search querries

From my stats page, February 18, 2002:

Referrer Type (890 counts)
Full URL 611 (68%)
Bookmarks 177 (19%)
SearchEngines 102 (11%)

and over 90% of that traffic is driven to the top 30 results. If you're not in the top 30, you're not in a position to compete!

And how can I possibly compete with all those other sites that are just like mine? Oh, wait, there are no others. That's why I made this in the first place.

Most development firms charge $2500 - $10,000 for optimization services plus monthly maintainence of $150 - $250.

Yup, they gotta change the oil, rotate the tires, fix the muffler. A web site with a broken muffler ain't a pretty sight.

We do it all for $179 per month

But I got spam from this other site where barely legal Asian girls will do it all for free!

and guarantee your top 10 position on your keywords.

As long as your keywords are "butter audio Hasselbaink emulator".

Click the secure link below for more information: Note: This email is in response to your request for more information.

Maybe I should have requested more information, just to see how these clowns think they can make money.

If you feel this was done in error, transmissions to you by the sender of 'this' email

What a strange place for scare quotes.

will be stopped promptly by sending an e-mail with "REMOVE" in the subject line. Simply hit reply and send and we will remove you from our database. Please Note-This is a one time mailing.Thank you.

<snicker>

Free To Be Spammed, You And Me

"asa"

To learn how to put $57.90 into your pocket in next 5 minutes,

1. Find $57.90 lying about on the ground.
2. Grasp firmly but gently in hand.
3. Place money in pocket.

reply to this message with "FREEDOM" in the subject line NOW! or just click on freedomfinder2002@yahoo.com -make sure to type "FREEDOM"

Or we might confuse you with someone interested in one of our numerous other schemes.

We will plug you into our exclusive, one of a kind.... Five Minutes to Freedom...Wealth Building System

That's right, wealth=freedom. *cough Saudi Arabia cough*

Absolutely FREE! No COST or obligation!

Absolutely free. Right. They're just sharing this information with completely random strangers because they are great humanitarians.

See for yourself how incredible this system works! So click on reply or send to freedomfinder2002@yahoo.com and type "FREEDOM" in the subject line NOW!

Before the FCC commandos bust down our door!

Remove requests will be honored

But not fulfilled.

if sent to:thankyoure@yahoo.com

Ouch, That Gel Just Cut Me

"cuttinggelinfo3"

GET RID OF SURFACE BODY FAT!

Surface body fat? As in above-the-skin surface?

CELLULITE MELTS AWAY! LOVE HANDLES DISAPPEAR! GET RID OF THE STUBBORN AREAS OF FAT!

Leave the open-minded areas of fat alone.

FINALLY THERE'S CUTTING GEL, a patented, transdermal gel that Penetrates deep into the skin to help mobilize stubborn body FAT ON CONTACT!

It's easy to get stubborn body fat to mobilize. Try jogging.

THAT's RIGHT! A CLINICALLY PROVEN, PENETRATING GEL THAT DISSOLVES SURFACE BODY FAT WHEREVER IT IS APPLIED!

But if it penetrates, it can't possibly be surface fat...

See Results in as little as 10 DAYS!! It is designed to work directly on your ABS, THIGHS, GLUTES or ANYWHERE ELSE you rub it in!! It's called CUTTING GEL

Sounds like one of those non-lethal crowd dispersal weapons the Army is researching these days.

and it's finally available in the United States.... in it's full undiluted strength!

Yeah, those FDA jerks were just holding it up on purpose 'cause they're jealous.

FIND OUT MORE CLICK HERE: Please remove me from your mailing list click here:

<snicker>

Come For The Free Gift, Stay For The Infinite Supply Of Money

"drtim98"

I don't think you're a doctor. I don't think you even play one on TV.

GET YOUR FREE GIFT WHEN VISITING OUR WEB SITE! Are you being paid what you are worth?

No, what I've been paid, total, over a lifetime, minus debts, makes up what I'm worth.

We are living in the most prosperous time in history. Now is your turn to profit. Learn to earn 6 Figures from home.

Easy enough, if it doesn't have to be U.S. dollars.

It is easier than ever! Plus, receive your FREE GIFT FREE Info when visiting our web site. CLICK HERE!

I wouldn't be at all surprised if the "free gift" was a list of names. Send five bucks to the guy at the top of the list, move #2 to #1, move #3 to #2...

You were sent this message because your address is in our subscriber database. If you wish to be removed, please click here and we will remove you from our subscriber list.

Wow, that was a short spam. Hold on, wait, there's more. Crap.

NINE "Killer Classifieds" E-zine Editors...

SWM, 32, ex-IDF, ex-Mossad, seeks work in "troubleshooting". Experience with laser sights, night-vision equipment. Contact #151. No freaks or water signs.

Business Owners... Entrepreneurs... ** NEVER BEFORE SEEN ** Techniques For Turning Your Website Into a $10,000+ a Month Profit Stream!

I suppose I could put up a RealVideo of the U.S. Mint. Does that count?

If you thought you knew how to generate sales online... think again. I've recently developed a complete web selling formula that's so powerful,

It dissolves fat on contact?

I can stop marketing today - take a vacation to Hawaii - and STILL earn anywhere from $2,000 - $5,000 a month.

$24,000 - $60,000 a year. That's a much more realistic income goal. Good luck finding a job in Hawaii!

This formula: * Once Set Up, DOESN'T require very much time and attention.

Oh, come on. I only update this site once every seven months or so, and it still requires time and attention.

* DOESN'T require very much work on your part.

Then why do you need me to do it? Union regulations?

In fact, just follow the easy STEP-by-STEP, paint by the numbers Tutorials... and you can have the whole system set up in less than 24 hours. * DOESN'T require a huge investment. You can create the ENTIRE Package (including your own domain name and web- hosting) for as little as $18 a YEAR !

All the good domain names are taken, though. Try generating sales for djduroyrahbnbdao.com.

* Is the EXACT SAME formula that the "internet experts" are using to generate thousands of dollars each and every month.

Yup, I put it in quotes 'cause my mom calls me an internet expert.

Wouldn't you want to get your hands on this GUARANTEED Program?

No, but I would like to get my hands on your throat.

Click here now to find out more: ______________________________________________ Subscribe to our Biz. Op. E-Zine

Don't tell me these losers have an e-zine too.

and learn How To Make Money on the Internet, send a blank email to: subscribe@goodmoney4u.com To be Removed, send a blank email to: remove@goodmoney4u.com

Registered to:

BigMoney
1919 32nd st, Ste 4876
New York, NY 10016

Any New Yorkers want to tell me if this is a reputable (or even a real) address?

Loan Sharks Wanted - Apply Within

"irianman"

VENTURE CAPITAL BUSINESS, CAREER AND INVESTMENT OPPORTUNITY

Just what I need, another opportunity.

Our company, through our expanding partner network and in conjunction with varied and substantial investment groups,

In English: "We talk to people with money."

provides venture capital, capital leasing services, equity and debt funding to corporate clients nationwide.

In English: "We lend money."

We are currently expanding our system and are seeking a professional person as a partner,

I prefer the drive and pure competitive spirit of amateur persons.

who in turn will qualify clients for our services in their geographic area. There is no selling involved. Qualified clients come to us.

What do you do if an unqualified person comes to you?

This opportunity will appeal to an entrepreneurial individual that is seriously seeking a potential six figure income,

As long as those six figures belong to Jennifer Lopez, Alyssa Milano, Christina Ricci, Gail Porter, Liza Weil, and Jennifer Connelly...

along with a challenging and satisfying career and one that can led to financial security in an extraordinary and exciting growth industry.

I think that working with venture capitalists may actually be a shrinkage industry.

A strong general business background is a necessity. Our program entails interacting with CEO's of emerging growth companies and assessing and qualifying their financial needs.

Emerging growth companies? Are these the guys that make artificial hormones?

If accepted as a partner, there is an $9,750 investment required.

Sure, I've got $9,750 lying around here, but I'm just not satisfied with my current salary. Maybe if I give that money to these total strangers, I'll find a better job!

To review an extensive package of information, please call our voice mail system at 214-346-2138

214 is Dallas, Texas. Now you know which Better Business Bureau to inform.

and leave your complete name, telephone number and email address. We will email you back with complete information so you may review our partnership program in extensive detail.

Or rather, in extensive bureaucratese designed to conceal the complete lack of detail.

Sit In On A Meeting Of The Internet Elders

"GOZ5T2eaX"

This Week Only! Learn The Secrets To Harness The Power Of The Net's Top Search Engines FREE.

If you want the secrets to harness all the crap search engines nobody ever uses, you'll have to pay extra.

This Conference Is For Site Owners Only And Will Be Held One Time Only. We Want You To Be Successful! Be on This Call

I don't understand. Is "to be on this call" some sort of new marketing slang that has eluded me?

And You'll Receive As A Bonus A FREE Merchant Account Just For Attending. This Is Serious Business!

The seriousness of your business is undermined by your whimsical use of exclamation points.

Dear Site Ownere,

And by your faulty spell checker.

This Week Only we are hosting this special conference to introduce to you, UWIB.

Hmmm, haven't heard of that one. I've heard of UW-Madison, UW-Green Bay, UW-Milwaukee, UW-Platteville...

A company we have made Exclusive Arrangements with to teach you the Secrets you need to know to unlock the flood gates of new traffic.

You could start by selling things that people actually want to buy.

The Internet Marketing Consortium

Three thirty-something guys in suits who can't find the space bar.

is proud to present "Achieving Top Ten Placement", one in a series of conferences

But didn't you just say "This Week Only"?

developed for site owners to learn new skills for promoting their site. Search engine placement services are quickly emerging as one of the most popular and effective methods to drive

Away potential customers, who note how your first-listing tricks smack of desperation?

targeted traffic and attract qualified online buyers. Market studies suggest 95% of all people using the Internet as a commerce vehicle use a major search engine to find what they are looking for.

Maybe that number looks good to their target audience, but I went to college. I expect them to cite those market studies in footnotes.

Now you can learn the secrets major development firms use to place their clients at the top of the search engines, and how they keep them there month after month.

Start by incorporating Yahoo's entire buzz list into your site every week. For example: "As Valentine's Day and WWF Wrestlemania approach, news that Britney Spears will be driving the Internal Revenue Service #41 in the NASCAR PlayStation 2 500 this weekend has attracted the interest of Morpheus, the chief sponsor of the 2002 Winter Olympics, where Waylon Jennings recently defeated Gohan from Dragon Ball Z in the ski jump."

85% of all Internet traffic is search engine generated. The vast majority of web users view only the top 30 results posted by the search engine.

The vast majority of web users also don't buy things online unless they're not available locally.

If your site isn't in those first 30 listings, you're receiving no benefit from the search engines at all!!

Because those picky folks who go past the top 30 never buy anything.

What you'll learn: What criteria the various engines use for ranking purposes. What is "link popularity" and how to achieve it.

Near as I can tell, the best way to get link popularity is to start a blog.

How to use online tools like "word tracker" to choose the best key words

I think I used to play "word tracker" on the Apple ][s at my elementary school.

Why most people choose the wrong keywords and how you can capitalize on their mistakes.

"I want to buy shoes online. Let's see, I'll do a search for 'Garmisch-Partenkirchen.' Oh, look, Nine West!"

How to build top performing meta tags What are the advantages of auto submission services How to use "dynamic copy"

Is that anything like "Dynamic Tension"?

How to use Web Position Gold for best results How much you have to do and how often you have to do it to achieve top twenty ranking.

But what if there are more than twenty people at the conference?

Much, much more. Reserve Right Now! Only 100 lines available.

Holy smoke, they're distributing cocaine at this conference!

The Conference will be held Wednesday, April 4th, at 3:00 PDT. Click Link To Reserve Your Spot For This Valuable Conference.

Where is it? New York? Kansas City? Borneo?

PS As as special bonus for attending, you will receive a real-time merchant processing account.

Turn raw merchants into more valuable, refined merchants!

This tool allows you to accept product orders at your site 24 hours per day 7 days per week. We have arranged to have all activation fees waived for our clients. This represents a savings of over $500.00 and is your gift absolutely FREE for attending.

Of course, you have to give them an ungodly amount of personal information to register thta account.

Transmissions to you by the sender of 'this' email will be stopped promptly by sending an e-mail with "REMOVE" in the subject line.

Those scare quotes again - I think this is another letter from the guys who did "Get Enough Hits, And Maybe One Of ThemWill Buy Something" above.

Simply hit reply and send and we will remove you from our database. Please Note-This is a one time mailing.

Which I have very good reason to suspect is untrue.

Thank you.

Radical New Advance In Pyramid Design

"fgreney"

***VERY IMPORTANT*** Please read this message entirely at least once. Read it a 2nd and even a 3rd time to make sure you understand it BEFORE doing anything.

Then, trash it and complain to their ISP.

If it appears familiar to you, NOTE that there are RADICAL and MAJOR changes incorporated here.

An entirely new scam is still a scam.

IT'S NEW! Hello! If you need to make a few thousand dollars REALLY FAST,

Nope. I'd prefer to earn it.

then please take a moment to read this simple program I am sharing with you. You DO NOT have to send $5 to five people, buy their reports or recipes or anything like that. Nor will you have to invest more money later to get things going.

Oh, so I'm going to send $5 to six people?

THIS IS THE FASTEST, EASIEST PROGRAM YOU WILL EVER DO.

I thought "hello world" was the fastest, easiest program you will ever do.

Spend a few hours on it and you will never forget the day you first received it. The following is a plan to benefit you and your future. BE PREPARED TO GET EXCITED

Thanks for giving me time to be prepared. I hate it when excitement catches me off guard.

...YOU WON'T BE DISAPPOINTED! Read the following and you will agree this is a very exciting opportunity.

It is an exciting opportunity - for me to vent some anger on a bunch of clueless oafs.

Only invest a little bit of time, and your reward could mean thousands of dollars!

The reward from the FCC from turning you in?

Good luck! - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - IT'S OUTRAGEOUS!

I guess it must be a pyramid scheme for distributing "Girls Gone Wild" videos.

With two hours of work I have made over US$11,000 in the last three weeks, and my investment was just $5!

And you've brought shame and disgrace upon yourself by harassing thousands and thousands of people you've never even met!

I LOVE IT! Thank you 11,000 times!

This reminds me of a joke. There's this girl, and she finds a magic lamp and rubs it and a genie comes out. So the genie asks, "What's your first wish?" and the girl says... oh, never mind.

Julie M. St. Louis - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - ARE YOU IN NEED OF MONEY RIGHT NOW? HOW DOES $10,000 IN TWO WEEKS SOUND? Don't laugh!

I'm not. I'm wincing as I think of who could possibly be stupid enough to fall for this.

Try this for a change while you wait for the others to start working. One hour of work to get started and no mailing lists!

You know, for one hour of work, you could make around six bucks - legally, guaranteed, and in a position that you could actually put on your resume.

***************************************************************** ********. Esquire Marketing Newsletter Gift Club This service is 100% legal (Refer to US Postal and Lottery Laws, Title 18, Section 1302 and 1341, or Title 18, Section 3005 in the US code, also in the code of federal regulations, Volume 16, Sections 255 and 436, which state a product or service must be exchanged for money received) ***************************************************************** *******

From the US Postal Inspection Service web site:

"There's at least one problem with chain letters. They're illegal if they request money or other items of value and promise a substantial return to the participants. Chain letters are a form of gambling, and sending them through the mail (or delivering them in person or by computer, but mailing money to participate) violates Title 18, United States Code, Section 1302, the Postal Lottery Statute."

Here's How It Works! Unlike many other programs, this three level program is more realistic and much, much faster.

Saying one pyramid scheme is more realistic than another is like saying that Attila the Hun was more of a humanitarian than Genghis Khan.

Because it is so easy, the response rate for this program is VERY HIGH AND VERY FAST, and you will see results in two weeks or less! Just in time for next month's bills!

Providing you received this mailing around the middle of the month.

With this NEW VERSION, a major objection to participation has been eliminated. NOW a BUILT-IN MECHANISM against CHEATING has been introduced!

How could someone be so immoral as to try and cheat a pyramid? Everyone knows that money only comes to those who sucker others out of their money the honest way.

You only mail out 50 copies (not thousands as in other programs). You should also send them to people who send you their programs because they know these programs work and they are already believers in the system!

That way, there can be a whole series of interlocking pyramids, and the guy at the top will still make all the money!

Besides, this program is MUCH, MUCH FASTER and has a HIGHER RESPONSE RATE! Even if you are already in a program, stay with it, but do yourself a favor and DO THIS ONE as well.

Remember, you will be handsomely rewarded for being a sucker.

START RIGHT NOW! It's simple and takes a very small investment. It will pay off long before other letters or programs even begin to trickle in! Just give ONE person a $5 payment.

Get your grubby hands off my fiver!

That's all! Follow the simple instructions and in a few weeks you will have THOUSANDS of DOLLARS in your bank account!

Thousands, that is, if you started out with millions in your bank account...

Because of the LOW INVESTMENT, SPEED, and HIGH PROFIT POTENTIAL, this program has a VERY HIGH RESPONSE RATE! Just one

How many?

(1)

Oh.

US$5 bill. That's your investment! ***************************************************************** ******* Follow These Simple Instructions 1) E-mail the person on position #4 with the subject "REMITTANCE INQUIRY".

Use big words in an attempt to fool ISPs into thinking you're a legitimate businessman.

In the body of your message, copy and paste the information contained in position #3. Then below add the following question "Did you receive your $5 payment from the person mentioned above? ".

This is the amazing mechanism to prevent cheating?

2) On a blank sheet of paper write "Please add me to your conformation

Conform! Conform! CONFORM!

list and E-mail me to confirm your receipt of my $5 remittance". Write your name and address and include your email address (WRITE CLEARLY) for confirmation mailing and courtesy follow-ups. Fold it around a US$5 and send it to the FIRST name on the list (#1). *******SEND CASH IN US FUNDS ONLY*******

Because walking up to the bank to deposit a giant stack of fivers will only be suspicious if it's in foreign money.

IMPORTANT: Wrap additional paper (black colored paper is ideal) so that the $5 inside can not be seen when your letter is held against a strong light. This is to prevent thievery!

Let no one else steal the money that you rightfully stole.

Only the first person on the list gets your name and a $5 US payment. Now your ready to prepare your letter for mailing. 3) COPY and PASTE the names and addresses as follows CAREFULLY. Move the #3 NAME and ADDRESS to the #2 position. Move the #2 NAME and ADDRESS to the #1 position. Move the #1 NAME and ADDRESS to the #4 position. Add your NAME and ADDRESS to the #3 position.

Then DO the HOKEY POKEY and TURN yourself AROUND.

NOTE: Only the fourth (#4) name in the original list is dropped. 4) AFTER you have received the e-mail confirming receipt of your payment (you may make a courtesy follow-up after 1 week if necessary)

If the guy at the top of the list somehow "forgets" to send your confirmation, too bad.

, SEND out 50 or more copies of your edited letter. NOTE: by sending this letter via EMAIL, the response time is much faster, and you save the expenses of envelopes, stamps, and copying services. Consider this, MILLIONS of people surf the Internet everyday, all day, all over the world!

Several of them have not yet figured out the inherent problem with pyramid schemes, so they're your audience.

*****NOTE***** You must wait for the conformation

Is this some kind of subliminal message?

(as step #4 above) that your $5 has been received BEFORE sending your 50 or more emails, otherwise they will reply back to your downline with "NO PAYMENT RECEIVED" and your name may be removed.

Wasn't this supposed to be faster than the ordinary scam?

Fifty thousand new people get on the Internet every month!

Many of them even stay on the Internet after their AOL free trials expire.

An excellent source of names is the people who send you other programs and the names listed on the letter they send you. Your contact source is UNLIMITED! It boggles my mind to think of all the possibilities!

You, sir, are easily boggled.

Mail, or should I say E-mail, your letter TODAY!

Uh, you just told us to wait until we've received that conformation thingie before sending out the letter. You should really try harder to keep your story straight.

It's so easy. To EDIT the original letter: 1) Go to "edit" and select all. 2) Go to "edit" and "copy". 3) Start (compose) a new Email message. 4) Address your Email and Subject blocks. 5) Go to "edit" and "paste". After you have pasted this article to your new Email, delete the old header and footer (Subject, Date, To, From, etc.).

Not like it'll help thins guy cover his tracks.

Now you can edit the names, addresses and e-mail addresses with ease. THERE'S NOTHING MORE TO DO. When your name reaches the first position in a few weeks, it will be your turn to collect your gifts. The gifts will be sent to you by 1,600 to 2,000 people like yourself (average accomplishment rate is 20 - 25 percent),

No freaking way that a fifth to a quarter of the population is that stupid. Then again, maybe the Internet is not a representative sample.

who are willing to invest US$5 and a few hours to receive anywhere from US$8,000 to US$10,000 in cash. That's all! I think it's WORTH IT, don't you?

Dude, I've got important things to do with my five bucks. I can't throw it away on promises.

GO AHEAD--TRY IT. IT'S ONLY US$5! EVEN IF YOU MAKE JUST 3 OR 4 THOUSAND, WOULDN'T THAT BE NICE? IF YOU TRY IT, IT WILL PAY!

Go the distance! Ease his pain!

- - - - - - - - - TRUE STORY Cindy Allen

Not even bothering to invent a hometown. Sloppy, sloppy, sloppy.

writes: I ran this gift summation four times last year.

Perhaps English is not Cindy Allen's first language.

The first time I received over $7,000 in cash in less than two weeks and over $10,000 in cash in the next three times I ran it. I can't begin to tell you how great it feels not to have to worry about money anymore!

Except for the worry of no-account relatives trying to sponge off of you.

I thank God for the day I received this letter! It has truly changed my life! Don't be afraid to make gifts to strangers--they'll come back to you in ten-fold.

Of course. Why, just yesterday, Jerry's Kids came over to my place to repay my contribution to them - with interest.

So, let's keep it going and help each other out in these tough and uncertain times.

We users of the Internet are sure a tight-knit community.

- - - - - - - - - CAN I DO IT AGAIN?

As long as you have no ethics.

OF COURSE YOU CAN--this plan is structured for everyone to send only 50 letters each. However, you are certainly not limited to 50.

Refer to previous sentence. "Only 50 letters each" would seem to imply that you are, indeed, limited to 50.

Mail out as many as you can. Every 50 letters you send has an average return between $8,000 and $10,000.

So every letter is worth at least $160. Somehow this seems unlikely.

If you can mail forty, sixty, eighty, or whatever, GO FOR IT! THE MORE YOU PUT INTO IT THE MORE YOU GET OUT OF IT. Each time you run this program, just follow steps 1 thru 4 and everyone on your gift list benefits!

This isn't like the gift lists you get at weddings, is it? "Send a mixing bowl to the person at the top of the list..."

Simple enough? You bet it is! Besides, there are no mailing lists to buy (and wait for), and trips to the printer or copier,

<insert Rob Schneider "Makin' Copies" routine here>

and you can do it again and again with your regular groups or gifters, or start up a new group. Why not? It beats working!

That depends on your job.

Each time you receive an MLM offer, respond with this letter!

Then, you'll exchange a flurry of scams, until all civilization is buried underneath the servers required to shuffle your meaningless e-mails back and forth!

Your name will climb to the number one position at dizzying rates. Follow the simple instructions, and above all, PLEASE PLAY FAIR.

Don't let the honest world of scamming be ruined by a few rogues.

That's the key to this program's success. Your name must run all steps on the list to produce the end results. Sneaking your name higher up on the list WILL NOT produce the results you think. The BUILT-IN MECHANISM against cheating will FRUSTRATE the cheaters!

The heartless jerks will have to go out and work for a living. Truly, the ultimate punishment.

So please, play by the rules and the $$$ will come to you! - - - - - - - - - - - - - TRY THE PROGRAM TODAY - - - - - - - - - - $$$

I guess I must have played by the rules.

Together we will prosper!

Arise, comrades, and defend the revolutionary vanguard that is the pyramid!

$$$ GOOD LUCK! ***************************************************************** ******* #1 Ramon M. Galang 416 Chanticleer Cherry Hill, NJ 08003 USA E-mail: rmgalang@themail.com #2 Steve Davis Box 243 Scobey, MT 59263 USA E-mail: sdavis@nemontel.net #3 B. McDonald Suite 409 1500 Bank St Ottawa, ON K1H 1B8 Canada E-mail: cbudgell@cupe.ca #4 Wilson A. Lim 26 Gen. Tirona St. Bagong Barrio, Caloocan 1400 Philippines E-mail: wilsonlim731@yahoo.com ***************************************************************** **** Wishing you the best in all you do! You probably don't believe this will work, but if you don't try it you will never know.

I always rub every lamp I see. I don't believe that any of them will contain a genie, but if I don't try it I will never know.

That's the way I felt. Try it. You won't be sorry.

C'mon baby, please. You know I love you, baby...

You will receive this email only once... Let's get back what we spent in the Internet... "PUT LOVE WHERE THERE IS NO LOVE AND YOU WILL DRAW OUT LOVE."

Thus, with the love drawn out, there is no love left behind, and you have managed to accomplish nothing.

Just Pass The Advertising Costs On To The Consumer

"s84WO9zgG"

Is that a Polish name?

Dear Marketing Director,

Hold on a minute, let me fetch the marketing director. <Chairman walks out of room. Several minutes later, a man who looks exactly like the Chairman, but wearing a funny-nose-and-eyeglasses set, enters.> I'm the marketing director. What can I do for you?

"We Can deliver up to 1000 potential buyers to your business each day"! Even if you don't have a website,

Which, if you read the rest of this message, seems to be the case for this company.

we can help get your message instantly to the people who are interested in your product/service. And, we can do it for a fraction of the cost of traditional advertising.

This claim will be tested later.

Are you getting tired of watching the orders trickle in? Do what the "big boys" do and watch your sales soar through the roof!

Note: Boys referenced in this communication may not actually be big.

Use Direct Email Marketing! It's the way of the future and the future is NOW!

We missed it! When? Just now. When will the future be now? Soon.

No other media can deliver your message locally ,nationally or internationally, instantly to the people who are needing your product or service.

Not even product placement in a major motion picture?

Who are we: We are a marketing company with 12 years of Direct Marketing experience,

So in 1989 you were sending out spam to people on Prodigy. Right.

specializing in list extraction, ad copy and Direct Email Marketing. We extract 250,000 "new" general email addresses

I didn't know we had that many generals! <rimshot>

and over 200,000 targeted email addresses each week. Our targeted list database consists of MLM, Home owners, Opportunity seekers,

Perhaps they programmed the Auto Replace to use the words "opportunity seekers" whenever they type "easy marks".

Sports fans,

After they see their teams fail yet again, you're just the folks to bring more pain and suffering into their lives!

Health/Fitness, business to business , adult interests ,

There was a day, long ago, when the word "adult" carried a sort of quiet dignity, a sign of maturity and discretion. Now it sleeps on sidewalks down by the abandoned factory district, clutching a bottle of Night Train Express.

gamblers, investors

Must I point out the redundancy?

and geographical lists, just to name of few. We run all names through our huge 200MB remove database, to bring you responses not flames .

Since the address we provide them for complaints is phony, we guarantee no flames!

Over 50% of our business is repeat business and referrals. Here is what we offer We can mail for you: All mailings are sent out to your specification within 72hrs and sent in rich colorful HTML format, with picture, banner or even full page display.

Thus tipping off the recipient that this could not possibly be a personal message that is worth reading.

We offer FREE ad copy consulting and website Point-Of-Sale advertising advice, to make your sizzle and sell !

But what are you going to do with my sizzle and sell once you've made it?

All mailings are sent with state-of-the-art software to verify each address and delivery. Our price list: General Mailing

Which we like to call "grasping at straws."

250,000 $200.00 500,000 $350.00 1,000,000 $550.00 2-5 million $500.00/M 6+ million $450.00/M

How much does it cost to rent a billboard? Or get ads on a local TV or radio station?

Targeted Mailing

Which we like to call "grasping at a slightly smaller set of straws."

250,000 $300.00 500,000 $450.00 1,000,000 $750.00 2-5 million $650.00/M 6+ million $550.00/M ************************Special List Extraction Requests

Sounds painful.

******************** If we do not have your target audience in our database,

Ohhhh, please be a guarantee that will allow me to try to sucker them out of money...

for less than 1/2 cent an email we can extract hot fresh leads by the following criteria...... Country, State, City, special interest, profession, biz-to-biz and more.

Cripes.

************************************************************************ ******** To order- To order with Credit Card via our secure server , by phone or by fax, please contact us via email, or phone.... Directemail4@excite.com 1-503-330-9052 Office hours - (8am to 5pm Pacific Time) M-F OR Send Check or Money Order to: G-Force Marketing Inc. 16055 SW Walker Rd. # 236 Beaverton, OR 97006

Any visitors to the Institute from the Beaverton area? Are these clowns still in business?

Note: If ordering a mailing, please include copy of ad, your website URL, contact phone number, best time to call and email address. G-Force Marketing, Taking you past the limits of success!

That slogan looks like a defective model from the buzzword assembly plant.

We also offer: Reseller Program: Earn $30 to $1500 or more commission on each sale!

I don't think that statement is quite broad enough.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Here's what the experts have to say about E-Mail Marketing: "A gold mine for those who can take advantage of bulk e-mail programs" - The New York Times

"The Chairman is a truly phenomenal human being" - The New York Times

"E-mail is an incredible lead generation tool" Crains Magazine

"The Chairman has been romantically linked with Neve Campbell" Crains Magazine

"Blows away traditional Mailing" - Advertising Age

"Kneel, son of Jor-El! Kneel before the Chairman!" - Advertising Age

A TERRIBLE THING HAPPENS WHEN YOU DONT ADVERTISE --- ---NOTHING!

Some days "nothing" would be a welcome improvement.

Transmissions to you by the sender of 'this' email

The placement of the word "this" in single quotes absolutely mystifies me.

will be stopped promptly by sending an e-mail with "REMOVE" in the subject line. Simply hit reply and send and we will remove you from our database.

<snicker>

No, Really, We're "Ordering Valuable Reports"

"hgravell"

Dear Friends Future Millionaire: AS SEEN ON NATIONAL TV:

As a backstory for an inmate on "Oz"?

Making over half million dollars every 4 to 5 months from your home for an investment of only $25 U.S. Dollars expense one time

I've seen stuff like this before. Guy gets excited and just starts shouting nouns.

THANK'S TO THE COMPUTER AGE AND THE INTERNET ! ================================================== BE A MILLIONAIRE LIKE OTHERS WITHIN A YEAR!!!

Like other, um, millionaires, I guess.

Before you say ''Bull'', please read the following.

Too late.

This is the letter you have been hearing about on the news lately.

The one the Postal Service warned me about?

Due to the popularity of this letter on the Internet, a national weekly news program

Come on, guys, put a little effort into it! Just think up a news show and falsely attribute the quote! The schmucks in the previous letter did it, why can't you?

recently devoted an entire show to the investigation of this program described below, to see if it really can make people money. The show also investigated whether or not the program was legal.

The truth about chain letters has been widely known for a hundred years or so. That hardly qualifies as news. (Then again, knowing the press...)

Their findings proved once and for all that there are ''absolutely NO Laws prohibiting the participation in the program and if people can -follow the simple instructions, they are bound to make some mega bucks with only $25 out of pocket cost''.

Go ahead. Try to convice me that Hugh Downs has, at any time in his life, uttered the words "make some mega bucks".

DUE TO THE RECENT INCREASE OF POPULARITY & RESPECT THIS PROGRAM HAS ATTAINED,

Now slightly more respectable than beating up defenseless pensioners!

IT IS CURRENTLY WORKING BETTER THAN EVER. This is what one had to say:

I see. Pronoun trouble.

''Thanks to this profitable opportunity.

Never write a sentence with less thought than your reader will have to use to decipher it.

I was approached many times before but each time I passed on it. I am so gladI finally joined just to see what one could expect in return for the minimal effort and money required.

All together now... Nothing!

To my astonishment, I received total $610,470.00 in 21 weeks, with money still coming in."

So her yearly income would be around $1,511,640. I imagine the IRS would have a few questions.

Pam Hedland, Fort Lee, New Jersey.

Funny, a Google search seems to indicate that she has recently moved to or from Halmsted, Sweden. I wonder who she sent this testimonial to?

=================================================== Here is another testimonial: "This program has been around for a long time but I never believed in it. But one day when I received this again in the mail I decided to gamble my $25 on it. I followed the simple instructions and walaa

It's Remedial French for you, young man!

..... 3 weeks later the money started to come in. First month I only made $240.00 but the next 2 months after that I made a total of $290,000.00.

Good thing you put in the digits for cents.

So far, in the past 8 months by re-entering the program, I have made over $710,000.00 and I am playing it again. The key to success in this program is to follow the simple steps and NOT change anything.'' More testimonials later but first,

Sloppy, sloppy, sloppy. Even a fictional attribution for your testimonial is better than none at all.

===== PRINT THIS NOW FOR YOUR FUTUREREFERENCE ====== $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ If you would like to make at least $500,000 every 4 to 5 months easily and comfortably,

Or $120,000 per annum. The best way to make that kind of money with very little effort is to hold elected office.

please read the following...THEN READ IT AGAIN and AGAIN!!!

Memorize it! Set it to music! Chant it sotto voce as you take your position in the clock tower!

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ FOLLOW THE SIMPLE INSTRUCTION BELOW AND YOUR FINANCIAL DREAMS WILL COME TRUE, GUARANTEED!

I suppose they could argue that losing twenty five dollars was your subconscious financial dream.

INSTRUCTIONS: =====Order all 5 reports shown on the list below ===== For each report, send $5 CASH, THE NAME & NUMBER OF THE REPORT YOU ARE ORDERING and YOUR E-MAIL ADDRESS to the person whose name appears ON THAT LIST next to the report.

Even capital letters have been corrupted by con artists. I'd stop using them, but they need to make an honest living, and writing with no capitals makes one look like a third-rate e. e. cummings. (Redundant?)

MAKE SURE YOUR RETURN ADDRESS IS ON YOUR ENVELOPE TOP LEFT CORNER in case of any mail problems. === When you place your order, make sure you order each of the 5 reports. You will need all 5 reports so that you can save them on your computer and resell them.

Of course, I could just type up five pages of gibberish, call them five "reports", and sell them for five bucks a pop. Apparently these guys haven't thought as much about cheating as some of the other pyramid builders we've seen.

YOUR TOTAL COST $5 X 5=$25.00.

Aren't you forgetting something? Like a stamp? $5.38 * 5 = $26.90

Within a few days you will receive, vie e-mail, each of the 5 reports from these 5 different individuals. Save them on your computer so they will be accessible for you to send to the 1,000's of people who will order them from you.

This email has more repetition than an episode of the Teletubbies.

Also make a floppy of these reports and keep it on your desk in case something happen to your computer.

Because floppy disks so rarely go bad, I guess.

IMPORTANT - DO NOT alter the names of the people who are listed next to each report, or their sequence on the list, in any way other than what is instructed below in step '' 1 through 6 '' or you will loose out on majority of your profits.

Please explain.

Once you understand the way this works, you will also see how it does not work if you change it.

Awaiting explanation.

Remember, this method has been tested, and if you alter, it will NOT work !!!

Still waiting.

People have tried to put their friends/relatives names on all five thinking they could get all the money. But it does not work this way.

<taps foot impatiently>

Believe us, we all have tried to be greedy and then nothing happened.

Ready to explain yet?

So Do Not try to change anything other than what is instructed. Because if you do, it will not work for you.

Guess not.

Remember, honesty reaps the reward!!!

Or does honesty catch the early worm? No, wait, I think honesty killed the cat. Or something.

1.... After you have ordered all 5 reports, take this advertisement and REMOVE the name &address of the person in REPORT # 5. This person has made it through the cycle and is no doubt counting

The number of rats in their cell at the State Correctional Facility?

their fortune. 2.... Move the name &address in REPORT # 4 down TO REPORT # 5. 3.... Move the name &address in REPORT # 3 down TO REPORT # 4. 4.... Move the name &address in REPORT # 2 down TO REPORT # 3. 5.... Move the name &address in REPORT # 1 down TO REPORT # 2 6.... Insert YOUR name &address in the REPORT # 1 Position. PLEASE MAKE SURE you copy every name &address ACCURATELY!

Then you'll end up with five useless reports and about twenty-seven bucks down the tube.

========================================================== **** Take this entire letter, with the modified list of names, and save it on your computer. DO NOT MAKE ANY OTHER CHANGES.

Be sure to leave the spelling mistakes and random capitalization in place or else the system will not work!

Save this on a disk as well just in case if you loose any data. To assist you with marketing your business on the internet, the 5 reports you purchase will provide you with invaluable marketing information which includes how to send bulk e-mails legally,

Step One. Don't.

where to find thousands of free classified ads

Every newspaper in the freaking country has a free advertising supplement. Perhaps you should start there.

and much more. There are 2 Primary methods to get this venture going:

Ignore the "much more" for now.

METHOD # 1: BY SENDING BULK E-MAIL LEGALLY ========================================================== Let's say that you decide to start small, just to see how it goes, and we will assume You

At least this spam decides to treat me as if I were a god.

and those involved send out only 5,000 e-mails each. Let's also assume that the mailing receive only a 0.2% response (the response could be much better but lets just say it is only 0.2%.

Was this number derived from experiment? Oh, no, they pulled it out of your posteriors.

Also many people will send out hundreds of thousands e-mails instead of only 5,000 each). Continuing with this example, you send out only 5,000 e-mails. With a 0.2% response, that is only 10 orders for report # 1. Those 10 people responded by sending out 5,000 e-mail each for a total of 50,000.

Of course, none of their lists of people to email would overlap. Right?

Out of those 50,000 e-mails only 0.2% responded with orders. That's=100 people responded and ordered Report # 2. Those 100 people mail out 5,000 e-mails each for a total of 500,000 e-mails. The 0.2% response to that is 1000 orders for Report # 3.

At this rate, by level 7 of the pyramid, nearly every human being on the planet has received this mailing. The fact that there are five people ahead of me on this mailing is not encouraging.

Those 1000 people send out 5,000 e-mails each for a total of 5 million e-mails sent out. The 0.2% response to that is 10,000 orders for Report # 4. Those 10,000 people send out 5,000 e-mails each for a total of 50,000,000 (50 million) e-mails. The 0.2% response to that is 100,000 orders for Report # 5 THAT'S 100,000 ORDERS TIMES $5 EACH=$500,000.00 (half million).

Certainly the postal service will see nothing unusual about the total of 111,110 letters being delivered to your address. They'll just assume you're a movie star or something.

Your total income in this example is: 1..... $50 + 2..... $500 + 3..... $5,000 + 4 .... $50,000 + 5..... $500,000 ........ Grand Total=$555,550.00 NUMBERS DO NOT LIE.

Not without human help.

GET A PENCIL &PAPER AND FIGUREOUT THE WORST POSSIBLE RESPONSES

Worst possible response rate: 0%. That's 0 orders for report #1. Those 0 people responded by sending out 5,000 emails each for a total of 0. Out of those 0 emails only 0% responded with orders. That's 0 people who responded and ordered report #2. Etc.

AND NO MATTER HOW YOU CALCULATE IT, YOU WILL STILL MAKE A LOT OF MONEY !

Zero times zero still equals zero.

========================================================= REMEMBER FRIEND, THIS IS ASSUMING ONLY 10 PEOPLE ORDERING OUT OF 5,000 YOU MAILED TO. Dare to think for a moment what would happen if everyone or half or even one 4th of those people mailed 100,000e-mails each or more?

Then the number of potential marks would be depleted even more quickly, and my odds of making money off the scam skyrocket.

There are over 150 million people on the Internet worldwide and counting. Believe me, many people will do just that, and more!

No way in hell will even your least optimistic predictions come true.

METHOD # 2 : BY PLACING FREE ADS ON THE INTERNET ======================================================= Advertising on the net is very very inexpensive and there are hundreds of FREE places to advertise. Placing a lot of free ads on the Internet will easily get a larger response.

I have never clicked on an Internet advertisement in my life. I never intend to. I am not abnormal.

We strongly suggest you start with Method # 1 and dd METHOD # 2 as you go along. For every $5 you receive, all you must do is e-mail them the Report they ordered. That's it. Always provide same day service on all orders.

You know, to make it look like a real business.

This will guarantee that the e-mail they send out, with your name and address on it, will be prompt because they can not advertise until they receivethe report. =========== AVAILABLE REPORTS ==================== ORDER EACH REPORT BY ITS NUMBER &NAME ONLY. Notes: Always send $5 cash (U.S. CURRENCY) for each Report. Checks NOT accepted.

The banks may look askew at someone with ten thousand checks for $5, but they'll be much less suspicious of someone with ten thousand five-dollar bills.

Make sure the cash is concealed by wrapping it in at least 2 sheets of paper. On one of those sheets of paper, Write the NUMBER &the NAME of the Report you are ordering, YOUR E-MAIL ADDRESS and your name and postal address. PLACE YOUR ORDER FOR THESE REPORTS NOW :

==================================================== REPORT # 1: "The Insider's Guide to Advertising for Free on the Net" Order Report #1 from: S. Cranke 1503-1500 Walkley Rd Ottawa, ON K1V 0H8 Canada

Where insider = worthless.

___________________________________________________________ REPORT # 2: "The Insider's Guide to Sending Bulk e-mail on the Net" Order Report # 2 from: T. Richardson P.O. Box 753 Richland, MO. 65556 USA ____________________________________________________________ REPORT # 3: "Secret to Multilevel Marketing on the Net" Order Report # 3 from : C.J. Kalata P.O. Box 130157 Roseville, MN 55113-0002 USA

The secret? It stinks!

____________________________________________________________ REPORT # 4: "How to Become a Millionaire Utilizing MLM &the Net" Order Report # 4 from: R. B. Box. 21115, Grande Prairie Alberta, T8V-6W7 Canada

Start by offering an actual product.

____________________________________________________________ REPORT #5: "How to Send Out 0ne Million e-mails for Free" Order Report # 5 from: B. Taylor P.O.Box 26001 Fredericton, N.B. E3A 5V8 Canada

Feel free to send a letter to one of these clowns, postage due, and see how they respond.

_____________________________________________________________ $$$$$$$$$ YOUR SUCCESS GUIDELINES $$$$$$$$$$$ Follow these guidelines to guarantee your success: === If you do not receive at least 10 orders for Report #1 within 2 weeks, continue sending e-mails until you do. === After you have received 10 orders,

The Chicago Cubs will win the World Series.

2 to 3 weeks after that you should receive 100 orders or more for REPORT # 2. If you did not, continue advertising or sending e-mails until you do. === Once you have received 100 or more orders for Report # 2, YOU CAN RELAX, because the

Apocalypse is surely at hand.

system is already working for you, and the cash will continue to roll in ! THIS IS IMPORTANT TO REMEMBER: Every time your name is moved down on the list, you are placed in front of a Different report. You can KEEP TRACK of your PROGRESS by watching which report people are ordering from you.

Although you could probably just send out the same report to everybody, since the reports are of no actual value.

IF YOU WANT TO GENERATE MORE INCOME SEND ANOTHER BATCH OF E-MAILS AND START THE WHOLE PROCESS AGAIN. There is NO LIMIT to the income you can generate from this business !!!

Actual limit may vary.

====================================================== FOLLOWING IS A NOTE FROM THE ORIGINATOR OF THIS PROGRAM: You have just received information that can give you financial freedom for the rest of your life, with NO RISK and JUST A LITTLE BIT OF EFFORT.

There is no such thing as financial freedom. For instance, in the U.S., I am not free to "invest" my earnings in Columbian drug cartels, or to "invest" in assassinations of government officials.

You can make more money in the next few weeks and months than you have ever imagined.

All together, now! "I don't know, kid, I can imagine a lot."

Follow the program EXACTLY AS INSTRUCTED. Do Not change it in any way. It works exceedingly well as it is now.

It works exceedingly well for the originator, that is. He's got five bucks from the 5 people listed above, and he didn't have to send money to anyone. (Note: The Chairman does not endorse starting your own chain letter.)

Remember to e-mail a copy of this exciting report after you have put your name and address in Report #1 and moved others to #2 ..........# 5 as instructed above. One of the people you send this to may send out 100,000 or more e-mails and your name will be on every one of them.

Thus aiding the postal inspectors immeasurably.

Remember though, the more you send out the more potential customers you will reach. So my friend, I have given you the ideas, information, materials and opportunity to become financially independent.

Not so, you will still be dependent on finding at least five suckers to send you money, as well as being dependent on the value of the U.S. dollar.

IT IS UP TO YOU NOW ! ============ MORE TESTIMONIALS ================ "My name is Mitchell. My wife, Jody and I live in Chicago. I am an accountant with a major U.S. Corporation and I make pretty good money.

Remember that "accountant" thing. There'll be a test later.

When I received this program I grumbled to Jodyaboutreceiving ''junk mail''. I made fun of the whole thing,spoutingmy knowledge of the population and percentages involved.

Sensible fellow, this Mitchell.

I ''knew'' it wouldn't work. Jody totally ignored my supposed intelligence and few days later she jumped in with both feet. I made merciless fun of her, and was ready to lay the old ''I told you so'' on her when the thing didn't work.

"I slept in my car for the next five weeks."

Well, the laugh was on me! Within 3 weeks she had received 50 responses. Within the next 45 days she had received total $ 147,200.00 ........... all cash!

A five-dollar bill is 0.010922 centimeters in thickness. Jody here has a stack of five-dollar bills 3.21 meters, or 10.5493333... feet high.

I was shocked. I have joined Jody in her ''hobby''. Mitchell Wolf M.D., Chicago, Illinois

TEST: Dr. Wolf's M.D. is unusual because earlier in this letter he stated he worked as:
a. a lawyer
b. an accountant
c. a loan officer at a bank
d. a fictional character created to get people to throw away their savings

====================================================== ''Not being the gambling type, it took me several weeks to make up my mind to participate in this plan. But conservative that I am, I decided that the initial investment was so little that there was just no way that I wouldn't get enough orders to at least get my money back''.

"But conservative that I am, I decided that the investment in a ski mask and rifle was so little taht there was just no way that I wouldn't get enough bank robberies to at least get my money back."

'' I was surprised when I found my medium size post office box crammed with orders. I made $319,210.00in the first 12 weeks. The nice thing about this deal is that it does not matter where people live. There simply isn't a better investment with a faster return and so big."

Unusual strategy there, switching from the slick "investment" talk to the infantile "so big" in one sentence.

Dan Sondstrom, Alberta, Canada

Alberta's a big place, pal. You want to be a little more specific?

======================================================= ''I had received this program before. I deleted it, but later I wondered if I should have given it a try. Of course, I had no idea who to contact to get another copy,

Why not just put your email address somewhere publicly available? You'll get so many copies, you'll lose count!

so I had to wait until I was e-mailed again by someone else.........11 months passed then it luckily came again...... I did not delete this one! I made more than $490,000 on my first try and all the money came within 22 weeks."

Why does everyone in this program measure time in weeks instead of months? Oh, right, because they're all the same person.

Susan De Suza, New York, N.Y. ======================================================= ''It really is a great opportunity to make relatively easy money with little cost to you. I followed the simple instructions carefully and within 10 days the money started to come in.

Wow, that's good speed for international post, especially to New Zealand (where this persona claims he is from).

My first month I made $20,560.00

$9,101.52 US as of April 2002.

and by the end of third month my total cash count was $362,840.00.

$160,622.40 US.

Life is beautiful, Thanx to internet.". Fred Dellaca, Westport, New Zealand

Impressive of him ,coming up with a New Zealand city other than Auckland or Wellington.

======================================================= ORDER YOUR REPORTS TODAY AND GET STARTED ON 'YOUR' ROAD TO FINANCIAL FREEDOM !

What a strange place for apostraphes.

======================================================= If you have any questions of the legality of this program, contact the Office of Associate Director for Marketing Practices, Federal Trade Commission, Bureau of Consumer Protection, Washington, D.C.

They will have to mute the phone while they laugh like madmen.

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