Step right up! Step right up! See the strangest names you'll ever lay eyes on! Not for the faint of heart!
All huckster-ing aside, the Sideshow may be a semi-regular feature here at the Institute. It consists of truly bizarre names, gathered by the Chairman or by his honorary staff. If you want to submit to the Sideshow, send mail to the Chairman and, at the very least, you'll appear in a future edition of the Mailbag.
Here is a selection of names provided by Miss LJ, whose confidentiality agreement with her employer did not prevent a few choice leaks of names that appear on standardized tests.
| Name | Commentary |
| Taurean | I guess you could call him "Tor" for short, but that would evoke images of Tor Johnson |
| Brandol | For non-prescription relief of minor aches and pains |
| Trevon | Miss LJ: "This kid will be an embittered old man someday whose junk mail is all addressed to 'Trevor'." |
| Bismark | Enough of the state capitals, folks! |
| Ephrain | I think she's the judge on "Divorce Court" |
| Yessica | This is what we would expect from a stereotypical Swede |
| Yuliana | Maybe this is the female form of "Yul" |
| Shawnie | According to Miss LJ, the teacher misspelled this as "Shawie" when gridding it |
| Alyxandra | Come on, it's not that hard to spell |
| Semaj' | As the computers of the National Bureaucracy collapse while trying to deal with that apostrophe |
| Georneisha | Miss LJ says that names ending in "eisha" are nearly too plentiful to count |
| Tanquernay | A resort city in India, perhaps |
| Ebone | The new online retailer of products for dogs? |
| Channel | "Channel" has several different definitions, but you don't want any of them associated with a kid |
| Osh'Shalee | I can't think of any explanation for this |
| Kreg | Is that not a supermarket chain? |
| Yateefa | There are no good names beginning in "Ya" |
| Donnavon | Also: "Donnavin" |
| Malasia | "I heard it on the news one day, and I thought it would be a perfect name..." |
| Myshawna | Perhaps this is a horrible mutilation of "Michelle" |
| Elexus | Don't name your kid after a car, until they come out with the Ford Mary or the Dodge David |
| Porsha | See above |
| Robinque | As bad as "Robinique" would have been, this is worse |
| Joovany | This could be related to the Eastern European "Jovan," but probably not |
| Miracle | If I were her, I'd go by "Mira" |
| Celicia | At first glance, it looks like a name, but then you realize it isn't |
| Quncel | This becomes easier to pronounce if you follow the Pinyin system |
| Seqoia | I thought they still taught that "u" after "q" rule. Guess not |
| Glammoris | Combining the spectacle of "Glamour" with the banality of "Morris" |
| Paradyssha | This is bad in such a way that it's almost impossible to classify |
| Jenyffer | I bet they thought "Jennifer" was too common. This is not the way to resolve that problem |
| Airreil | Somebody liked "The Little Mermaid" |
| Gage | Perhaps a descendant of the British Revolutionary War general, but I doubt it |
| Ashlea | Two syllables or three? |
| Ashlye | Come on, this couldn't have been intentional |
| Jade | Maybe I should create a "Precious Stones" category |
| Collier | Of all the jobs in the world, you name a kid after a guy who spends all day in a mine |
| Konner | Any real Irishmen out there want to tell us what happened here? |
| Alaric | Okay, Alaric the Visigoth was an important historical figure, but still |
| Ritter | Cheer up, John, you've still got at least one fan |
| Cale | "Caleb" is not any better |
| Torin | This should really be two words |
| Keren | Some peoples' ideas of what is spelled phonetically are really weird |
| Kayleen | "Kay" or "Colleen", make up your mind |
| Wiley | You do know what it means, don't you? |
| Briahna | Just so you know to use Received Pronunciation |
| Danee | If you put the emphasis on the second syllable, and raise the pitch of your voice a lot, this becomes really funny |
| Daniela | "Daniel" has already been turned into a female name. You don't need to re-invent the wheel |
| Jayce | I remember this guy from "Space Ghost" |
| Name | Commentary |
| Kally | I thought everybody knew how to spell "Kelly" |
| Broc | They live in the hill country and are related to ogres |
| Kaycie | That's it. No more of these supposedly phonetic spellings. |
| Colton | "I am COL-TON, Destroyer of Worlds!" |
| Orenthal | Guess he's still popular |
| Kirin | That's the kind of stupid photographic thing that psychics use, right? |
| Sparkle | Is disrespectful to dirt. Can you see she is serious? |
| Destin | Because "Destiny" would be too pretentious |
| Rodtesha | Anyone want to guess the father's name? |
| Ron'Dah | Return of the Romulans |
| Ky-Ree | This, on the other hand, was one of the aliens in the Cantina scene of "Star Wars" |
| Blen | Miss LJ says this is female. Yeah, right |
| Dimajio | Simon and Garfunkel can stop looking for him now |
| Ike'a | "Name your kid after our company and get a free supply of furniture!" |
| Jazzmon | Real Rastafarians would never do this, or would they? |
| Dijon | Pardon me, but do you have any Grey Poupon? |
| Name | Commentary |
| Tahnee | Spelled backwards, it's "Eenhat" |
| Teka | Isn't this a Japanese video game series? |
| Veretha | Unwieldy combination of Latin "Vere" and Germanic "tha" |
| Nakiya | Oh, "Nakiya" like the Finnish guys who make cell phones |
| Mstadi | Cries out for another vowel |
| Precious | What is she, a poodle? |
| Zakiya | Hope she's not related to "Zakiya" |
| Lindell | We guarantee this is a last name pressed into service |
| Diamond | Funny, we didn't know DDP was on Springer |
| Pumpkin | Absolutely dreads Halloween |
| Thurman | There are only two "Thurman"s - Thomas and Munson |
| Naja | Means something in German. We forget what |
| Tremont | That's the Disney movie about the American Revolution, isn't it? |
| Tyre | And our UK readers bust a gut laughing |
| Deja | Save your "I've seen this one before" jokes |
| Juicey | Hey, how 'bout a nice Hawaiian Punch? |
| Lakenya | Maybe she was born on the shores of Lake Nya |
| Lasetta | Maybe she was born on... aw, forget it |
| Mica | Geologists can tell you that Mica has perfect cleavage. Yuk, yuk |
| Winter | So many jokes could go here, we can't decide which one to use |
| La Tanya | Does this mean "Tanya" is her middle name and her first name is just "La"? |
| Moon | Admits your kid will have a dark side you'll never see |
| Amene | 'Cause you can't name your kid "Amen", that would be silly |
| Kalysia | This looks like an anagram |
| Justice | Appearing on Springer due to Cosmic Irony |
| Tiree | What is it about tires that make people want to name their kids after them? |
| Nairobi | Possible sibling names: Bujumbura and Dar es Salaam |
| Meish | Not to be confused with the famous architect |
| Juba | We think they chant "Juba, Juba" when they're about to sacrifice a virgin to King Kong |
| Shawntel | Not like "Seantel" is better |
| Imani | They're a minority ethnic group in Iraq, right? |
| Odetta | What happens when your map of Ukraine is smudged |
| Rahsaan | Isn't this usually "Rashaan"? |
| Sparkles | Let's just move on |
| Shola | Never name your kid after your RPG character |
| Edtchress | Five straight consonants! A new record |
| Tuggie | Could be worse, could be "Thuggie" |
| Twana | Straight out of an H. Rider Haggard novel |
| Lubertha | Adding "lu" doesn't make "Bertha" work any better |
| Rexanius | Latin speakers, what's wrong with this? |
| Laquita | Pronounced to rhyme with "Chaquita", or to rhyme with "The quitter"? |
| Goldie | Good Lord, not like Goldie Hawn's ever done anything important in her life |
| Aisha | Strongly resembles an expression of surprise or alarm |
| Vergell | First name, or failed e-commerce company? |
| Caltone | This must have come off of a vitamin bottle |
| Tamisha | The only name that ends in "sha" is Natasha. Just accept it |
| Zandra | Perfect for a Buck Rogers-type evil space queen |
| Braetta | The "ae" combination is always troublesome |
| Trenae | See? |
| Heaven | That's just asking for a lightning bolt |
| Razberry | By using a "z", you make it "kewl" |
| Amika | If it's Japanese, we'll allow it |
| Sugar | Aah! Now we can't get that song by The Archies out of our heads! |
| Rooster | You don't even want this as a nickname |
| Isis | "All the old paintings on the tomb, they do the sand dance, don't you know..." |
| Tiesa | At least they followed the spelling rule |
| Pepper | He was my favorite linebacker in "Tecmo Super Bowl" |
| Tico | This just has to be an acronym |
| Unsel | We could make a joke about the Japanese and a family of racecar drivers, but we're too culturally sensitive for that |
| Unsell | This, on the other hand, looks like a verb |
| Shonde | Is the "e" silent? |
| Shahlelah | Wasn't he deposed by Ayatollah Khomeini? |
| Peaches | This page is great for getting songs stuck in your head |
| Starla | Perhaps this comes from an early draft of "A Streetcar Named Desire" |
| Chango | No relation to Papa Shango |
| Gwain | A result of the pseudo-Celtic trend sweeping America |
| Ramzi | For the hip, 21st century fan of Yul Brynner |
| Chopper | How much would you pay for The Chopper? But wait! There's more! |
| Tavish | "Mac" means "son of". We refuse to believe medieval Scotland was populated by a bunch of ninnies named "Tavish", "Kenzie", and "Pherson" |
| Shenidia | But you can call her "Shennie" |
The final part of the Sideshow is brought to us by Miss LW, who is a former social worker and an honorary member of the Institute. She has provided us with a long list of names for the Sideshow.
| Name | Commentary |
| Chan | According to the parents, this is pronounced "Sean". Yeah, right |
| Destany | Okay, maybe they didn't have a dictionary handy |
| Destini | This is just bizarre enough that it has to be an intentional misspelling |
| Ivie | Even if it were spelled correctly, this would be a lousy name |
| Ivorie | Let me guess - her sister is named "Ebonie" |
| Joashua | The nickname "Joash" is very silly |
| Kaysi | Spell it backwards. "Isyak". Heh heh |
| Lesliee | Maybe they were attacked while they were filling out the birth certificate. But they would have just said "ieeeeee!", and not bothered to write it |
| Leya | Rarely appears in the bitter "Leah"/"Leia" feud |
| Machell | We think this should be a unit of speed, 1/10th of the speed of sound |
| Machelle | 1/100th of the speed of sound |
| Madycen Kaydee | Somebody likes the letter "y" |
| Meishell | Isn't this a Yiddish expression? |
| Sypher | A hip, GenX superhero, if we're not mistaken |
| Syran | And Sypher's archenemy |
| Thersa | I wonder if they insist that it's pronounced "Theresa" |
| Ulises | Bet you he names his kid "Telleymakus" |
| Vanissa | Like Vanissa Wafers? |
| Zhawn | A bizarre Russian spelling of "Shawn", perhaps |
| Rickena | A daughter of Rick, according to Miss LW. We thought it was a drag queen who wasn't trying very hard |
| Viper and Mercedes | Their mom was pregnant. Miss LW says the next kid will be "Cruiser" or "Porsche". You think she likes cars? |
| Karisma, Karlington, Kompassion, and Kashington | Oh, come now. "Cashington" isn't a name |
| Cyntia and Cyntyia | You want to guess what their mother's name is? |
| McNail and Dax | Miss LW says it reminds her of Miami Vice |
| Madridd, Lunden, Pairis, and Rhome | More potential names: Berlynn, Bruselles, Aimsterdaum, Moscau, Kopenhaigen, Viennie |
| Alpha and Omega | Twins. Wonder who was born first |
| Alamina | A rare mineral, found in sedimentary rocks |
| Chiloe | When Civil War buffs go bad |
| Euell | "Ewell" isn't very good, either |
| Iniece | One of Isaac Asimov's least-known works |
| Jarmar | Insert your own Phantom Menace joke here |
| Lurdibina | Syllables ending in "-urd" are always ridiculous. No exceptions |
| Cyler | Remember Cypher? This is his sidekick |
| Malia | And her sister, Mauritania |
| MaRhonda | As the Beach Boys look on and cry |
| Naemi | Because "Naomi" is just too common. Sure |
| Nornecie | This reminds us of "Creatures" |
| Perlen | Maybe the child of a Web designer |
| Radonna | This one's easy, so make up your own joke. Go ahead, we'll wait |
| Roncyn | Roncyn is equipped with Mithril Armor and a +2 Broadsword |
| Salene | Can't decide whether to name your daughter after your favorite French Canadian singer, or after your breast implants? Compromise! |
| Shellinda | Whoa! We can't tell where "Shelly" ends and "Linda" begins |
| Wallena | Gotta love those acrobats |
| Wodrin | A former king of Wessex, if we're not mistaken |
| Yolundus | Goo goo ga joob |
| Hausshannaugh Wanique | You don't pronounce this name, you cough it |
| Latrina | We hope Miss LW isn't trying to perpitrate an urban legend here |
| Sharmon | Nicknamed "Sharmie"? |
| Amerrica | Big fans of West Side Story, evidently |