What, in modern society, is revered more than creativity? Artists are praised for such endeavors as hanging a tire over a goat's neck, small children are encouraged to engage in "creative play" (as opposed to the other kinds?), and businessmen spend their money on "lateral thinking" seminars to learn how to break the mold of their stifling profession. Small wonder, then, that parents should attempt to apply this to the naming of their children.
"We love the name Amy," says the future soccer mom. "But Amy's too common. We want our daughter to stand out in a crowd. We want her to be different. That's why we're naming her Amie." Creative, indeed! The major problem with such horrible misspellings of names is that it can actually decrease the precious career prospects of the child, and leave their names writ in water as they die thanklessly.
This is no exaggeration. For every time little Amie announces her name to the good people of bureaucracy, she will have to stop them in mid-scrawl or mid-typing, to announce, "That's Amie. A-M-I-E." Altogether, this totals five seconds of wasted time. Multiply by the approximate one million times that Amie will have to say her name during her life, and the horrified parent discovers nearly 58 wasted days in Amie's life, enough time for her to learn sign language, join an extra-curricular club, or otherwise allow her parents to live vicariously through her.
This category also encompasses names which have no generally accepted spelling. The most prominent of these are "Lindsay" vs. "Lindsey", "Catherine" vs. "Katherine", "Leah" vs. "Leia" (and watch the pronounciation there, too- "LEE-uh" or "LAY-uh"?) "Caitlin" vs. "Caitlyn" vs. "Kaitlin" vs. "Kaitlyn" vs. "Caytlyn" vs. "Caytlin", etc. In these situations, use "Lindsay" (the correct spelling of the former geographical division of England), "Catherine" (the English form of the name), "Leah" (the non-Star Wars version), and avoid "Caitlin" et al. altogether. (Unless you name her "Catherine Lynn" and call her "Kate Lynn".)
Special mention in this category is given to names that are spelled one way and pronounced another (like that of "actor" Ralph Fiennes) and to girl's names that end in the letter "i". These girls always have a reputation for being easy, whether they are or not.
Examples of the "Let Me Spell That For You" Category:
- Britney Spears (see also "Found It On This Here Map")
- Barbra Streisand
- Stefanie Powers